Monthly Archives: October 2013

I am Important

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Yesterday, I went to a Thirty-One party I had been invited to by one of my grandmother’s girlfriends. Generationally, I was a little left out, but I did not mind. I got to spend the few hours there hanging out with my grandmother and she is a pretty cool lady.

While I was at the party, I had a great time. All the ladies were so nice to me, telling me I did not look as pregnant as I am (which was a lie, but a sweet one), just being kind and gracious. I had a wonderful time.

As I was dropping my grandmother off at home, she asked if I would be over the following weekend to make cookies. Turns out my sister and my aunt had made plans to go to Grandma’s and bake and did not invite me. Considering how I had been treated by them the day before while we were washing Grandma’s windows, this was just the icing on the cake. I cried all the way home.

CJ, because he is quite possibly the sweetest man on the planet, did not work out. He spent the entire evening with MJ and me making sure I knew I was important to him. We watched a movie and snuggled 🙂

I really needed a night like that. I had been really dark and depressed when I got home. All I could think was that it was really sad that I felt more appreciated when I was with people I was not related to. Thank goodness I have CJ; I do not know what I would do without him.

I will just have to remind myself:

“You is kind.
You is smart.
You is important.” – The Help, Kathryn Stockett

Today Was Difficult…

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I no longer have a place at the kids’ table; my son now occupies that space. I am a mother, homeowner, have my BS, but am still not qualified to sit at the adult table. Why is it then, that while I am only qualified to be in this awkward limbo, I am forced to suffer a strange and uncomfortable sharing of information?

I do not need intimate details of aunt and uncle infidelity and divorce. I do not wish to hear unemployment histories and financial difficulties. I am not “old enough” to join them, yet they seek me out. I know it is not for my wisdom – I have not lived as long as they have or seen as much. I know it is only for my sympathy. Unfortunately, there are many times when I do not wish to give it.

I know more things about certain people than I think I should know. How can I be expected to be a good member of the younger generation when I have these secrets I need to keep? If I cannot be at the adult table, then please, LEAVE ME OUT. Let me stay in limbo; playing with the kids and keeping my rose colored glasses as far as pasts and presents of the adults are concerned.

I am so tired of not telling one person this, another person that, etc. More nights than not, I cry. Most of those nights, it is not for myself or my own problems, but something I have been told and cannot discuss to get off my chest. I cannot fix everything, yet I feel this overwhelming compulsion to do so and it is debilitating to feel this way and know that there is nothing I can do.

No more secrets. No more confessions. I am done.