In the five years we have owned our house, I have never once parked in the garage. CJ claimed it as his own and made his own little gym out there. Honestly, I’m okay with this because it keeps all that equipment out of my house.

Lately, he has been turning the one corner into a rock climbing wall for the kids, so they can have something to do if they want to go out while a parent is working out. MJ is beyond excited about it and has been helping at any opportunity CJ gives him.

Last weekend, the boys were out working, the girls were napping, so I was enjoying some quiet “Mommy Time.” All the sudden MJ comes flying in the house screaming, “Help! Daddy’s bleeding!” I rush out to the garage expecting the worse, but instead see CJ sitting down looking just fine. He saw me and asked if I grabbed a bandage for him since he didn’t see it in my hands.

Apparently, he had dropped some wood on his foot and upon inspection, realized his little toe was bleeding. He had sent MJ into the house to “ask mommy for a bandage,” but instead, the child had scared me half to death.

I told CJ it had been the worst idea ever to send MJ in like that. I repeated what MJ had said and how I came out expecting an unconscious husband laying on the garage floor. At this point, I had no sympathy for his toe. (I did get him the bandage though.)

In conclusion, never send a five year old on such an errand without explicitly telling him what to say, as to avoid unnecessary panic.

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It

Last week I told CJ he owed me and I was going on a girl date whether he liked it or not. He had gone out to happy hour with some guys from work and had plans to go fishing that weekend, so I told him I wanted to treat my sister to a movie. He simply laughed and said, “Have fun.”

I called my sister and told her we would be going to the local, three screen theater that night and the movie was her choice. I instantly regretted it when she told me what she was picking. The three choices were the new Thor movie, Happy Death Day, and It. As an avid Stephen King fan, she chose It. I don’t know why I thought for even a second there was a chance of her picking anything else. Here I was, hoping to watch some Chris Hemsworth, and was instead trying to mentally prepare myself to have my pants scared off.

In my attempt to get ready, I decided to watch the trailer for the movie. I hadn’t seen it before since I had no intention whatsoever to see It. I watched the first one and thought it wouldn’t be so bad. I started the second one and about halfway through I was already going, “nope, nope” and knowing I was in for a terrible evening.

As my family tends to have volume control issues that are exacerbated by the situation, I ordered our movie tickets a little loudly since I was already so nervous. My sister made a comment about it and the ticket lady told us not to worry. Since we were the only ones in that theater, we could be as loud as we wanted. This information did NOT make me feel better. In fact, it made me feel worse. We were now the only potential victims should something happen. Who wants to be the only ones in the theater for a scary movie?

After the time it took to get concessions and visit the little girls’ room, the movie was just beginning as we entered. So house lights were down, screen was black, and there was creepy music. We had no choice but to stand still until the WB logo appeared so there was even enough light to find our seats. It was not a good way to start.

Within the first five minutes of the movie, I had texted CJ to let him know my sister was already hiding in her sweater and had jumped twice. Not cool. She gave me a little bit of beef for tattling on her, but I told her since she picked the movie and was making me suffer through it, she was absolutely not allowed to act like a scaredy-cat and especially since it had just started and nothing had really happened yet.

In our efforts to tolerate the movie (and since we were alone) we talked and made fun of certain things to make them less scary. Of course, we still jumped quite a bit and my sister even squawked once. Altogether, it was a good movie though. I enjoyed it.

Since it was told in parts, my sister offered to lend me the book so I could see what happened at the end without waiting for the next movie. I told her that really wasn’t necessary. I don’t know if I would have the fortitude to sit through reading that book.

As we were walking to the car, I kind of made an ass out of myself. I moved to the side to make way for a couple walking toward us and ending up walking into a bush. I totally freaked myself out and screamed. The people in front of us turned around and looked at me like I was crazy. I apologized and informed them we had just seen a scary movie. I got made fun of the whole way home.

All-in-all, I didn’t end up as terrified as I thought and I did have a blast with my sister. Would I recommend this movie to others? Well, if you don’t have a basement, a sink, or an issue with clowns, you should be good.  🙂

Today

I have been having a difficult time the past few days.

Of the [quite a few] women I know who have recently had a baby, almost all of them have returned to work. Their Facebooks have been full of baby pictures and messages of regret in having to leave their child in order to return to work.

These messages upset me. I mean, at least they have a baby to leave. I don’t have my baby at all. But even that thought right there – the one that came unbidden – makes me feel horrible. Am I being harsh and unjust to these other mothers when they are just bragging about their beautiful new babies? And does this mean I am ungrateful for what I already have?

Am I cherishing my other children less because I cannot cherish their sibling enough? I find myself torn sometimes in moments of joy because I think about the one who will never participate in these moments with us. Will that always be the case? I know they say things will get better with time, but as I have no experience with the death of a close loved one, I just can’t help but feel that I am forever altered.

As my OCD has been exacerbated in these stressful and painful last few months, I find myself withdrawing from things I do want to do/participate in as an effort to avoid my triggers. CJ and I keep talking about things we would like to do once I reach what we refer to as my “baseline,” but I’m worried that may not be the same anymore. And I don’t know how to cope with that. I don’t want to become a recluse who stops living their life and not doing things they enjoy. I want to feel the desire to play, write, even just be helpful around the house.

Before, my bad days were few and far between. Now, as there have been so many gathered together, it’s hard to see that it won’t always be like this. It’s difficult sometimes to convince myself to continue pushing through. But I am a strong woman. I am intelligent and occasionally, kind of funny. I will try my best to keep smiling until the day where it’s not pretend anymore. Starting today.

Boys Over Flowers

Hulu’s first recommendation for me was Boys Over Flowers. After the beauty and amazing cinematography that was Cheese in the Trap, I had kind of high expectations. The first episode was loud and rough. Some of the sound effects were very game show like. I almost didn’t finish it because I thought it was just too silly. I’m glad I stuck with it though. Although it could be a little ridiculous at times, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

The female lead is an unlikely heroine. She is obnoxious and LOUD. The more I came to know her, the more I loved her though.

As cliché as it may be, I love me a bad boy turned good through the love of a girl, but that’s not exactly what happened here. I feel it can be argued that the male lead experienced some growth before he had won the love of the girl. It was this change that helped him win her loyalty.

I adored how fiercely loyal she was. Even when things were difficult or appeared like they may never be together, she still remained steadfast and did not waffle between male characters as is typical with a “love triangle.”

Another thing I really liked was the male lead’s friends. They ended up coming to love the female lead in their own way and were her greatest champions. Even if it came to protecting her from their own friend, they were there for her.

So if you’re looking for a show full of growth that focuses on friendship, this is the one for you.

Dear Riley

Today is your due date. But you’re not here.

As I was early with all your siblings, I assume you would have been here by now. So all I can think about this cold, rainy morning is how all of us would be bundled up and snuggling, enjoying the fullness of our family.

Instead, today I will be visiting you elsewhere. I will go to the little plot where the grass has just begun to grow. Where instead of family, you are surrounded by other stillborns and children gone too soon. And instead of holding you, I will miss you.

But remember, my Riley – I will hold you in my heart, until I can hold you in my arms.

All my love,
Mom

My insomnia has been the boss of me the past week or so. It’s hard to accomplish anything when you’re operating under a caffeine fueled fog. CJ has been majorly supportive even though I know he’s been really frustrated. I was doing really well with sleep for a while, but the closer we come to the baby’s due date (October 12th), the more trouble I have. I think the earliest I’ve gone to bed in the past few days was three in the morning. This past Friday into Saturday, I didn’t go to bed until six Saturday morning. No matter what I tried doing, nothing could settle me enough for sleep.

My hope is that if I push though these next few days, even though that one day will be catastrophic, everything will be better afterwards.

On a brighter note, Q is a rockstar. I firmly believe children need to be able to test their limits. I don’t hover on the playground or in the backyard. I will occasionally remind them to be smart if the situation arises, but I want them to learn to trust in themselves and their capabilities. When one calls out because they have climbed too high and are scared, I will stand by just in case, but I don’t help. I encourage. I remind them they got up there by themselves so if they stop to think about it, they have the ability to get down themselves as well. Once they are calm, they come back down, unassisted.

We have a tree in the yard the kids love to climb. They are in it at least once per day. They know their limits and where they feel comfortable in it as far as how high they can go. A few days ago, Q decided to push herself and climb a little higher. It ended up being too high for her and she panicked. However, with guidance and a calm voice from mom, she was able to climb down all by herself. Rockstar.

Cheese in the Trap

This was the first k-drama I watched. (Talked about in a previous post)

At first, I just thought the title had been poorly translated, but the intro features little blocks of cheese, a cat, and a mouse. So Cheese in the Trap it is. I decided to watch it because I was reading the webtoon it is based off of and saw someone had made a comment comparing the main male character’s looks to the drama. Once I knew there was a show, I started searching across the platforms available to me at the time. I checked my then go-to of Netflix first, but no luck. I checked Hulu next and found it! I was beyond excited.

It consisted of 16, hour long episodes. That’s all. Just one season. I was actually a little discouraged at first because that just didn’t seem like enough. I felt there was no way the entire story could be told in that short amount of time. I mean, in American dramas, hour long shows don’t often tell us much and we’re lucky to have a season long plot arc. These shows have sections of fluff and filler that can be missed with no real impact to your understanding of the story. K-dramas however, are not like that. Each episode is packed full of so much that if you miss some, you will be confused during the next episode. Also, there’s so much to them that sometimes, during the credits where they replay scenes from the just finished episode, I have found myself going: “Oh, yeah. I forgot that happened in this episode,” because there had just been so much going on you forget it’s only been one hour. This drama has a clear beginning, middle, and end. Because there is only one season, the writers knew exactly what story they wanted to tell and didn’t waste any time or space when telling it. It’s very refreshing.

Cheese in the Trap is the story of Hong Seol, a student just returning to college after some time off to save money for tuition. She has adorable and lovable friends who are beyond happy to have her back in school. She meets the enigmatic Yoo Jung and the foolhardy Baek In Ho who both help and hinder her at times. It is a story about growth and communication. It made me laugh numerous times, every time I’ve watched it. (CJ even really enjoyed it – and the only thing I can get him to watch with me on a somewhat regular basis is America’s Got Talent.) I was glad to see a female character stand up for herself in a relationship, stating that she can’t be the only one to make changes. All female role models should be that strong.

After finishing, I could not believe just how much I loved it. I followed Hulu’s recommendation and tried another. And then a third. The very few TV shows I still watched, I have basically abandoned. They cannot compete in content. This also led me to the discovery of k-pop and DramaFever. I am a happy girl lol.