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Update

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I have, what I would consider anyway, many good excuses for my absence.

I have lost two grandparents. Had close family diagnosed with COVID. Finished homeschool and had to transition back to in-person schooling. Had major fallout with a close family member. Had to work with SC to get her used to being home without her siblings. The list goes on.

I have many things to look forward to right now, so I am determined to focus on the good in my life. While on my taekwondo journey, I seem to have met a kindred spirit. This is a rarity for me. I have difficulty making friends, but find it quite easy to lose them. This person has given me absolutely no reason not to trust her and also makes me a priority. I am so lucky to have found her. In fact, in just a few days, we leave for a weekend excursion in NYC to see The Lion King and do some shopping. This will be my first ever “girls’ trip” and I am very excited about it. I will admit there has been some hesitations on my part, as that it just my nervous nature, but not only do I think this will be a good thing, I think we will have a lot of fun together. We even have a sexy Halloween photo shoot coming up with some of her other friends and their acquaintances. There’s supposed to be something like 16 of us. It’s going to be great. I get to dress as my favorite horror movie villain and how could that be anything but fun?

Look forward to more posts in the future – updates about our trip, adventures with my babies, and all the good stuff. Thanks for sticking with me.

Update

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For the first time in a long time, I find myself actually able to sit in front of my computer with a purpose other than schoolwork. Homeschooling has been a trying and sometimes painful endeavor, but we are definitely growing and learning.

For Christmas, I had asked for some things to supplement our learning. My in-laws got the kids a subscription to something called Little Passports. We have enjoyed three months so far. Our first month arrived with a blue suitcase to hold out goodies. Each month a passport and suitcase sticker come along with wonderful, age appropriate information on a foreign country, a souvenir, and a craft. Brazil offered a a lesson about the four layers of the rainforest. Japan taught us how to write haikus. France had directions to help learn to critique art. Each month we learned how to say hello, goodbye, and thank you in a new language. So far, I am amazingly impressed and would gladly recommend it to others.

Well, it appears my time is already at an end. More nights like this coming soon, I hope, as we settle in and move forward.

Update

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Excuses. I’ve got plenty of them. But that’s all they would be.

I attempted to plan the summer as much as I could to keep us on the go. It was my first summer with four kids and I wanted to do things instead of just being at home all the time. Each week had a theme and events go along with it. I took a road trip with all the kids, by myself, to see the in-laws. Then summer exploded when my sister got a job and I ended up with seven kids all day, every weekday.

Now that school has started, I have my nieces and nephew in the mornings before school and all day whenever there’s a day off. I joined a new committee and was settling in to that. I was working on an event for my kids’ school. It’s just been constant. But that’s my life now with four kids and I have to stop using that as an excuse to do the things I need to do for me; this blog being one of them.

So, in an attempt to return to normalcy, here we go.

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Last night was an adventure. My brother-in-law spent some time in the ER and my sister was with him. Therefore, I had seven children in my house. Seven. I had to get everyone ready for bed, find a place for them all to sleep, get everyone dressed and fed in the morning, then get them all to two different schools. Thanks goodness CJ was such a good helper. Seriously, rockstar quality.

Multiple incidents like these have kept me absent lately; only involving my own health. Not all of my health issues were resolved upon SC’s delivery. It has taken me up to this point to even feel like a semblance of myself. I feel the more I continue to follow doctor’s orders and return to my household and writing routine, the better I will feel.

So tonight, while my children snub their noses at my delicious (if I do say so myself) chicken pot pie in favor of peanut butter and jelly, I bring you this update that is long overdue. Thanks for sticking with me.

Update

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The drama continued for the most part. I had to have another hospital stay where I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia on top of everything else. After a while, the doctors were finally convinced baby and I were stable enough to be left alone. But even by this, I just mean we weren’t admitted long term. We were seen once per week at the hospital for growth and doppler ultrasounds, once per week at the office for checkups and NSTs, and had to have weekly blood work.

On Monday, I will have reached 37 weeks. As this is considered full-term, I have been scheduled for an induction. As much as I’m not looking forward to the induction itself (my induction with EM was just awful), I am looking forward to the end of this pregnancy. I give props to any woman who has had this level of difficulty within a pregnancy and then willingly does it again.

So, as I have been absent due to sickness, starting Monday, I will be absent due to baby! I will most definitely be enjoying my baby snuggle time, but will try to return to a normal schedule within a few weeks.

Update

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Today, I finally returned home after a four day, three night stay on the labor and delivery floor of our hospital.

This escapade began early Saturday morning when I was repeating some failed lab work and also doing additional testing. By Saturday afternoon, I had already received a results phone call, my values were that bad.

Upon arrival and admission, I was officially diagnosed preeclamptic. While monitoring me and trying to get my pressures under control, it was discovered I was also suffering from hypokalemia and hypomagnesemia.

I was on bed rest the whole time and while being pumped full of medicine to address these three issues, I was also give massive amounts of steroids to help baby’s lungs be ready a little sooner. The easy fix to all this is delivery, but at 31 weeks, they want us to hold out as long as my body will allow.

My next few weeks are riddled with self-monitoring and multiple doctor visits for NSTs, dopplers, growth ultrasounds, and lab work.

To top everything off, baby stubbornly stays in a breech position and now has given me pregnancy induced carpal tunnel – which let me tell you, made all the blood pressures I had to do undeniably painful.

To end this most current chapter of this pregnancy, I have to diligently follow all these rules and also faithfully take my meds. But if things begin leaning in a poor direction, baby will be coming. So, from now on, whenever anyone asks about when I’m due, the answer is no longer Christmas Eve. “This baby could arrive any day now.”

Update

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Shortly after my last post, CJ and I discovered something. This information very quickly turned me into a ball of anxiety, yet I was terrified to unfurl. I only spoke to the people closest to me and limited conversations at that. I was terrified history would repeat itself.

CJ and I had been discussing the possibility of trying for another baby, but before we had the chance to actually reach a decision, we found I was pregnant. It was difficult to be excited. CJ even confessed to me he was afraid to get attached.

I didn’t post anything here for a long time because this was all I wanted to talk about. But heaven forbid something bad should happen again.

Even now, at 28 weeks, I have been hesitant to share. This has been my most difficult pregnancy by far and the beginning was riddled with problems and scares.

My dating ultrasound discovered two gestational sacs. I had to return two weeks later to verify the viability of either. Only one had a heartbeat. Because I experienced some bleeding at the loss of the other sac, more ultrasounds were necessary to make sure the other baby was fine.

Now I agonizingly waited for that magical 12 week mark when women feel more “safe.” That feeling never arrived for me. I battled horrible morning sickness, weight loss, and worry. Eventually, the morning sickness slowed down and the weight loss plateaued, but I still see the return of my breakfast at least once per week.

At my anatomical ultrasound, it was discovered that I had what is called a marginal cord insertion. Basically, because this began as a twin pregnancy and that wasn’t resolved properly, this baby’s umbilical cord is not located where it should be on the placenta. This causes the placenta to work harder than normal – therefore, the placenta may not survive the full length of the pregnancy. This means more ultrasounds. We have to constantly watch the weight of the baby to make sure it’s still getting the proper amount of nutrition. Should the baby drop below the 10th percentile in estimated weight, it will then be determined the baby would be better out than in.

I have another ultrasound next week, but for now I’m not overly concerned about it. Baby moves quite a bit and it’s estimated weight would have to tank a lot from last measurement to reach the danger zone. However, I cannot help but be nervous before every scan, every doctor visit. All I want is for this baby to be healthy. As sick as I have been, I sincerely hope this little one stays put until its Christmas Eve due date. Besides having had to already bury a child, I can think of nothing more terrifying than having to sit beside this little one in the NICU because it simply wasn’t ready to join the world yet.

But here it is. The little nugget who needs all our love and prayers. The one I’m going to try to be just a little bit braver for.  🙂

Baby B

Little Nugget

Wish us luck!

PS…I will try to post more regularly again in the hopes this will also help my mental state. Thanks for sticking with me.

 

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I have taken too long a break from my writing. I have not worked on my novel since Riley died. I have not posted here in weeks. I have wallowed in this depressive funk and made no real efforts to get better.

I didn’t realize just how bad it had become until CJ thanked me for performing a mundane chore before his parents arrived for Q’s birthday.  It had unknowingly gotten to a point where my husband felt the need to thank me for doing my job as a wife and mother. It’s hard to come to terms with that.

Progress, by definition, requires effort. I have been allowing CJ to put forth all the effort while putting forth none of my own. I have taken solace in my obsessions and compulsions. I apologize to my family for this.

It has become clear that my “coping mechanisms” were grossly inadequate. Writing however, seems to be the one outlet that has never failed me, yet I have failed it. Why do we avoid things that can help make us well? Why not dive headfirst into the things that can make us happy?

So, here’s the schedule. Mondays will be for updates. Thursdays will be for reviews. Surprise posts are always an option and are free from restriction. Editing will occur at least three times per week, for however long I can dedicate to it. I hope that giving myself these deadlines will help. I am a queen of procrastination, but I like a good due date. I will read more. I will continue therapy. I will do my job. I will strive to be able to return the extraordinary care I have received. You can count on it.

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After having survived visiting both sides of the family in a single weekend and numerous hours in the van, we still had plenty to get ready for at home. We had the beginning of school for MJ and Q, the end of my job at the hospital, and the beginning of babysitting for one of my girlfriends. We have been an exceptionally busy household.

Most days, it’s been the level of busy where you feel really accomplished by the end of the day, but you’re too tired to do anything else other than binge on DramaFever before bed.

There have been a few highlights since school has started. One of the things I loved was one morning while driving to school, as we passed the cemetery, Q waved out the window and said, “Hi, Baby Riley.” It was just that simple; just that sweet. And now they always do it. It makes me both happy and sad at the same time. The other thing has to do with MJ. One of the other mothers was in his classroom for a birthday. She pulled me aside at pickup later that day to tell me how impressed she was with how well-behaved and polite he is. I was shocked. And so excited. I can deal as long as he’s only naughty at home lol.

So today begins my attempt at a better, more structured writing schedule – squeezing it in between life and everything else. Hopefully I will be as successful as I would like to be.  Wish me luck!

Update

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CJ and MJ are out having a father and son date. My sister and her children just left. My girls are down for naps. For the first time in a very long time I am “alone” in the house. So what am I going to do? Well, I already started a load of laundry, so I figured an update was well past due.

So much has been going on lately. There have been strides toward improvement in therapy. The kids are registered for school and uniforms are ordered. (Still can’t believe two will be in school.) CJ and my cousin are almost done with the construction on our second floor. MJ is almost done with speech for the summer. He will also be going on his first vacation soon.

Letting him go on this vacation was huge for me. He will be gone to OBX for one week with my in-laws. I’m already nervous about it, but I told CJ I should get extra mommy bonus points for agreeing despite how I feel. I trust them implicitly, but he’s five. And it’s for a week. Ah!

As my schedule settles over the rest of this week, I am going to work on a more defined plan for posting here and finishing my current draft of Becca’s War so I can move on toward publication. I hope everyone is as excited as I am.  🙂