Today

I have been having a difficult time the past few days.

Of the [quite a few] women I know who have recently had a baby, almost all of them have returned to work. Their Facebooks have been full of baby pictures and messages of regret in having to leave their child in order to return to work.

These messages upset me. I mean, at least they have a baby to leave. I don’t have my baby at all. But even that thought right there – the one that came unbidden – makes me feel horrible. Am I being harsh and unjust to these other mothers when they are just bragging about their beautiful new babies? And does this mean I am ungrateful for what I already have?

Am I cherishing my other children less because I cannot cherish their sibling enough? I find myself torn sometimes in moments of joy because I think about the one who will never participate in these moments with us. Will that always be the case? I know they say things will get better with time, but as I have no experience with the death of a close loved one, I just can’t help but feel that I am forever altered.

As my OCD has been exacerbated in these stressful and painful last few months, I find myself withdrawing from things I do want to do/participate in as an effort to avoid my triggers. CJ and I keep talking about things we would like to do once I reach what we refer to as my “baseline,” but I’m worried that may not be the same anymore. And I don’t know how to cope with that. I don’t want to become a recluse who stops living their life and not doing things they enjoy. I want to feel the desire to play, write, even just be helpful around the house.

Before, my bad days were few and far between. Now, as there have been so many gathered together, it’s hard to see that it won’t always be like this. It’s difficult sometimes to convince myself to continue pushing through. But I am a strong woman. I am intelligent and occasionally, kind of funny. I will try my best to keep smiling until the day where it’s not pretend anymore. Starting today.

Advertisements

Ashley

“Sorry, guys.”

A seemingly innocent sentence. But because of these words, I will remember a woman named Ashley forever. I knew her less than thirty minutes, but this woman changed my life.

CJ and I were expecting another baby, due in October, and we were over the moon about growing our family. MJ, being the only one who really understood, was ecstatic about another sibling.

Over the weekend, I experienced some spotting which in itself is not overly concerning, but I felt something was wrong. I thought it was mostly in my head considering a woman I know had gone through something similar quite recently.

CJ and my sister tried to keep me calm, maintaining everything was just fine. Even the doctor I saw this morning tried to convince me everything was fine. She tried to reassure me that although she couldn’t hear a heartbeat, she was positive she heard movement, so she sent me for an ultrasound just in case.

Enter poor, poor Ashley. I will always feel awful for her. The poor girl must have drawn the short straw to do my ultrasound today. The techs must have all know what was a possible outcome and I’m sure no one wanted me as a patient.

Well, Ashley found what we all hoped wouldn’t be true. There was no heartbeat. The only thing she could say was “sorry, guys” and then she made the quickest exit she possibly could.

As CJ and I waited for the specialist to talk us through our next steps, one of the things I couldn’t help but think was how awful I felt for Ashley. First, because who wants to have to deliver news like that ever, and second, because I will always remember her as the woman who told me my baby was dead and remember her for nothing else. And I feel sorry for that.

So today I joined one of the clubs no one ever thinks they will be a part of until they are. I am a woman who has lost a child through miscarriage.

No matter how many times I think that sentence or read it written here, it just doesn’t seem real. I don’t know if it ever will.

The delays in posting are easily explained by the fact that the end of this pregnancy has gotten quite difficult. Finishing up a 24 hour test today then have to have another test at the hospital tomorrow. There just has not been a lot of time to do these little things I enjoy while taking care of all of this.

Everything seems to be fine with baby though, so no need to worry. I just hope to be able to return to writing soon, even in the small capacity that will be available to me once the baby arrives.

Q is old enough now to have baby food (which I make myself). Over the past few days of feeding her, I have noticed something. Every time I hold the spoon out to Q’s mouth, I am opening mine as well. Even when I am aware that I have done it once or twice, I still catch myself doing it again multiple times during each feeding. I wonder if I ever did this with MJ. Lol

CJ is My Hero

In the month and one half that the new baby has been home, she has only slept through the night once. After three terrible nights this week, the lack of sleep really hit me. Today was full of headaches, nausea, and all things related to sleep deprivation. CJ was my hero though. He took care of dinner for everyone and even offered to watch the kids so I could take a bath. I mean a real bath; like warm water, bubbles, soft music, candlelight, just soak and relax bath. It was glorious. I just might have the best husband in the world 🙂

MJ begins his gymnastics classes again tonight. I think I may be more excited than he is. Over the break, I feel he has gotten so much bigger that I cannot wait to see what he accomplishes tonight. I hope to have lots of pictures. 🙂

Over the past few weeks, writing and blogging have taken a backseat to adjusting to having Q home. For the next few weeks, writing and blogging will have to remain on the back burner as my home will be getting invaded – and I mean that the most loving way possible. CJ’s parents will be coming on Thursday and staying until Monday and then my parents will be coming that Thursday and staying until the following Monday. I am glad they want to come see the baby, but we will sure be exhausted after everyone leaves since they decided to visit so close together.

This is probably one of the most boring blogs ever. I really opened up WordPress with the intention of letting off some steam over an issue that I am very upset about, but after I logged on, I guess you could say I lost my nerve. The issue is unbelievably upsetting and I am not sure what I should do about it. If it does not get remedied this afternoon, I do not know what I will do.