Today

I have been having a difficult time the past few days.

Of the [quite a few] women I know who have recently had a baby, almost all of them have returned to work. Their Facebooks have been full of baby pictures and messages of regret in having to leave their child in order to return to work.

These messages upset me. I mean, at least they have a baby to leave. I don’t have my baby at all. But even that thought right there – the one that came unbidden – makes me feel horrible. Am I being harsh and unjust to these other mothers when they are just bragging about their beautiful new babies? And does this mean I am ungrateful for what I already have?

Am I cherishing my other children less because I cannot cherish their sibling enough? I find myself torn sometimes in moments of joy because I think about the one who will never participate in these moments with us. Will that always be the case? I know they say things will get better with time, but as I have no experience with the death of a close loved one, I just can’t help but feel that I am forever altered.

As my OCD has been exacerbated in these stressful and painful last few months, I find myself withdrawing from things I do want to do/participate in as an effort to avoid my triggers. CJ and I keep talking about things we would like to do once I reach what we refer to as my “baseline,” but I’m worried that may not be the same anymore. And I don’t know how to cope with that. I don’t want to become a recluse who stops living their life and not doing things they enjoy. I want to feel the desire to play, write, even just be helpful around the house.

Before, my bad days were few and far between. Now, as there have been so many gathered together, it’s hard to see that it won’t always be like this. It’s difficult sometimes to convince myself to continue pushing through. But I am a strong woman. I am intelligent and occasionally, kind of funny. I will try my best to keep smiling until the day where it’s not pretend anymore. Starting today.

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This past month has been bananas.

First and foremost, I want to say that I think full-time working moms are superheroes. The week after Q peed on my glasses, I continued with a full work week covering more vacations. At the end of that second week, I was ridiculously behind on laundry and housework. Then, I ended up with strep throat and got even more behind. The moms who can do all these things and not end up behind are superstars. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so exhausted in my life.

Since CJ has left his full-time job and is trying to break into his freelance career (chrisbatdorf.com), this week has been busy as well. Until he gets up a steady stream of clients, I’ve been accepting all offers to fill in at work, covering call-ins and whatnot.

Besides still trying to catch up at home, it really just hasn’t been my week at work. Wednesday night was the culmination of my recent bout of luck. I had forgotten my dinner at home, so CJ had to pack up the kids and bring me some. He made me an amazing looking salad with grilled chicken. Once I got the chance to, I added the dressing, put the lid back on and began to shake it. It promptly exploded all over my lap, my desk, and the floor. The nurse working with me and the security officer who saw, both panicked. The nurse began running in little circles asking what he could do. The security officer immediately yelled, “wet paper towels” and ran off for the bathroom to get some. They both awkwardly watched me clean myself and my area, unsure whether they could help or not.

Once all was cleaned, and I was as clean as salad dressing would allow on black scrubs, the volunteer came up to the desk and made a comment about how the area now smelled like Caesar. At that point, the nurse and guard totally lost. I’m honestly surprised it took them as long as it did before they started laughing.

A laugh was a great way to end the week, though. And I’m glad for once that I don’t have to work the weekend. I can’t wait to spend some much needed time with my babies. And my washing machine.  🙂

Naughty Babies

This week has been rough. People at work have been on vacation, so instead of working only three nights per week, I worked six. The babies have noticed and are acting accordingly. This makes me super excited that it is happening again this week as well, as I have learned that the kids are being a little naughty regarding the loss of “mommy time.”

For the most part, we’ve just been experiencing some listening issues, but in the case of Q, she’s being a little vindictive. At one point during this blur of a week, I disciplined her for something – I don’t even remember what. A few minutes later, she told me she had to go potty. Even though she’s two, she’s completely able to take herself to the bathroom without supervision. Since she was taking too long on this occasion, I went in to check on her. As soon as she saw me, she said “Hi, Mommy” and then pulled something out from underneath her. She had peed on my glasses. She took them off the counter, held them underneath her, and peed on them. Then held them out to me like she was proud. Even after I cleaned them, I still had a hard time putting them on my face.

I have a feeling I’m really going to have my hands full with her by the time she’s a teenager. Heck, even when she’s a threenager.

 

Update

These past two weeks have been intense. And it’s not over yet.

We went on a really nice family vacation and I can’t wait to share pictures and stories about it. But as soon as I returned to work, a co-worker went out for surgery and I’ve been picking up full-time shifts to cover the holes in staffing. It’s been exhausting and I haven’t had time to upload all my pictures.

Besides being tired from all the extra shifts, I have felt really bad for the kids. They are definitely not used to me working so many hours. Even my least snuggly one has been all about the cuddles and the baby cries when I leave.

There’s one more week of this, starting tomorrow. Next week we can finally return to our normal. There will be time for babies and writing and sleep. Can’t wait.

Lately, I very much feel on the periphery of things. I want to find something to excite me; that makes me want to participate. Most of the time, my writing makes me feel this way, but I am hesitant to being a writing session because I don’t have as much time to devote to it as I would like and interruptions are guaranteed in my house. I dislike nothing more than getting into a good writing groove and having to abandon it mid-stride. I sincerely hope that the things we are planning in the near future pan out the way we hope so I will have more “me” time; for my writing, to find hobbies I will enjoy, to make some friends.

Recently I reconnected with a friend from high school. I last saw her at the baby shower my family threw for me while I was pregnant with MJ, so it’s been over three years. We decided to get together because of any of the friends that we both still have, the only ones with kids live really far away. She just had her first child a few weeks before EM was born. Both our husbands played on the playground with MJ and Q while we chatted and played with the babies. I had a really nice time.

I feel like this post is a little disjointed. These first two paragraphs were written in an exhaustion induced semi-coma. Had to work an extra long shift last night then wake up early with the kids. It was rough, to say the least. I was so proud of Q today though. She was amazing. And I’m really looking forward to taking MJ to his preschool orientation next week. First day of school pictures to come!

I Wish They Had a Snooze Button

I am a night owl. I love to stay up late. My college years were perfect – late nights, no classes before 10am. Ever since I became a mother, I have tried to curb this habit as my children get up at ungodly hours and you have to be just as ready to meet the day as they are or you will be sorry.

Not too long ago, I began a job; working on Monday and Friday evenings until midnight. I did not think this would be a big deal, but coming home, winding down, and not getting to sleep until after one, sure makes it hard getting up with the kiddies in the morning. Everything else that is meant to wake you up comes with a snooze function. Too bad they do not come with one too. 🙂

Today, I was running a little late for work. MJ was up for four hours last night and that obviously made pregnant mommy a bit sleepy and I may have fallen asleep 15 minutes before we were supposed to leave the house. After dropping MJ off with his GG, I was making my way to work when I came across an older man waiting to cross at a crosswalk. I stopped my car and attempted to wave him across. The man smiled and said through my open window, “I may be old, but I am still a gentleman. Go ahead, young lady.”

My tired, crappy day is now a little bit better. 🙂