I sit here in this hospital bed, knowing I should be asleep, but finding it alludes me once again.

On Monday at 8:23pm, we were blessed with another beautiful daughter. SC is such a content and happy little girl, but I find I just feel so guilty about this whole thing. I fought with the midwife during delivery over who knew my body best. I won, SC did not. SC is currently undergoing light therapy for jaundice which she was a greater risk for because of being delivered early. She has had to undergo intensive blood glucose testing over a 24hour period because of the medication I was on because of the high blood pressures. My issues, which were supposed to be eliminated upon her birth, linger.

So my question is, why did I even bother? Why did I not just continue walking around as an uncomfortable zombie in order to avoid all this falling on the baby instead? Also, why did not one single medical professional I have seen over the last two of three months feel it necessary to inform me an out the glucose levels in my baby? Like really? No one? I was infuriated with this one, on top the the guilt I was already experiencing over everything else.

I have received a verbal promise we will both go home tomorrow, but I’m not letting it get my hopes up. I don’t really believe a word they tell me anymore. I Just want to take my baby home…