Dear Riley

Today is your due date. But you’re not here.

As I was early with all your siblings, I assume you would have been here by now. So all I can think about this cold, rainy morning is how all of us would be bundled up and snuggling, enjoying the fullness of our family.

Instead, today I will be visiting you elsewhere. I will go to the little plot where the grass has just begun to grow. Where instead of family, you are surrounded by other stillborns and children gone too soon. And instead of holding you, I will miss you.

But remember, my Riley – I will hold you in my heart, until I can hold you in my arms.

All my love,
Mom

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My insomnia has been the boss of me the past week or so. It’s hard to accomplish anything when you’re operating under a caffeine fueled fog. CJ has been majorly supportive even though I know he’s been really frustrated. I was doing really well with sleep for a while, but the closer we come to the baby’s due date (October 12th), the more trouble I have. I think the earliest I’ve gone to bed in the past few days was three in the morning. This past Friday into Saturday, I didn’t go to bed until six Saturday morning. No matter what I tried doing, nothing could settle me enough for sleep.

My hope is that if I push though these next few days, even though that one day will be catastrophic, everything will be better afterwards.

On a brighter note, Q is a rockstar. I firmly believe children need to be able to test their limits. I don’t hover on the playground or in the backyard. I will occasionally remind them to be smart if the situation arises, but I want them to learn to trust in themselves and their capabilities. When one calls out because they have climbed too high and are scared, I will stand by just in case, but I don’t help. I encourage. I remind them they got up there by themselves so if they stop to think about it, they have the ability to get down themselves as well. Once they are calm, they come back down, unassisted.

We have a tree in the yard the kids love to climb. They are in it at least once per day. They know their limits and where they feel comfortable in it as far as how high they can go. A few days ago, Q decided to push herself and climb a little higher. It ended up being too high for her and she panicked. However, with guidance and a calm voice from mom, she was able to climb down all by herself. Rockstar.