Today, the last of the physical proof of what happened to me ended. CJ cannot fully understand why I’m devastated by this. I am upset because besides my broken heart, this was the last of any evidence that Riley was real. It makes me feel even more empty than I already did.
I have been given the contact information of a few women who have gone through this as well. I know that talking to them would definitely help me heal; or at least help me move in that direction. However, I just can’t do this yet. I mean, what do I even say? How do you start that conversation?
I am having a hard time eating and sleeping. Especially sleeping. I know I need some help. Also, I can’t stop myself from going to the cemetery every day. When does that compulsion end?
I already knew CJ was a great guy, but a few days ago was one of those days where you can really see what you have and be so unbelievably amazed by it.
While we were out shopping, MJ and I had drifted off and when I rounded the corner to the aisle, CJ looked up and saw us. As he looked our that direction, he saw a woman struggling to put a large bag of dog food into her cart. With no hesitation, he walked over to her and said, “Ma’am (yes, he said ma’am!), can I help you?”
She looked completely relieved, as no one else had stopped to help her. He proceeded to help her load two large bags into her cart and then we went on our way, finished our shopping, and went home.
When we got home, I pulled the pork out of the crockpot and began to shred it for dinner. MJ puttered his way over to me and stood between my legs while I was working. I heard CJ ask, “Where’s my baby boy?” MJ stuck his head out from between my legs, looked at his dad, and laughed. He laughed so hard – I adore baby giggles.
CJ continued asking where MJ was and MJ continued popping his head out and laughing. As all babies do, MJ played this game way past the point where it was actually fun, but CJ continued right along without sounding frustrated or tired of it.
He constantly surprises me with how he has seamlessly transitioned into being a dad from having never been around small children before. He is just absolutely amazing and I hope he knows that I realize how lucky I am to have him.
We my have closed last Friday, but last night was the first night we slept in the house. Attempting to paint and move by oneself is awful hard.
The woman who lived in the house prior to us must have had a great love affair with the color pink. Four of the rooms in the house were an “awesome” shade of pink. They had to be painted, especially MJ’s room. There is no way CJ was alright with his son sleeping in a pink room 🙂
A large number of people offered to help us this past Sunday, so we ordered a sheet pizza for them all, then no one showed up. Unwilling to have spent all that money for nothing, CJ and I set our Paleo beliefs on hold and ate pizza for three days straight.
CJ had to borrow a dolly from work so we could attempt to move some of the larger furniture oursleves. Very few things are in the place where I want them and only three rooms of the five I wanted painted are finished. Hopefully we will be able to accomplish a lot this weekend as CJ’s parents made the six hour trip to come and help us.
Last night, CJ made our first night special. He surprised me with some sparkling cider, romantic lighting, and “our song.” He danced with me in what will eventually be our dining room. Can you say major “brownie points?” He may like to pretend he is all gruff, but he can pull out some of the sweetest moves of any guy. He is making this whole process much less stessful than it could be and I am so thankful for him.