A Few Weeks Ago

I started writing this post quite a while ago; before we found out about Riley. I decided it was finally time to go back and share this story because I have to still be able to see the bright things in my life. 

Yesterday, I witnessed one of the cutest things I have ever seen. It was one of those moments where you wish you knew what was going to happen ahead of time so you could record it. 

MJ had just gotten home from school, but he was already involved in playing with his sisters. I got his attention in order to inform him he would be spending the night at his aunt’s house, so he could play with his cousins. He dropped the toy he was holding, fell to his knees, and said, “thank you.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen him just so overwhelmed with emotion. This would have seriously been an amazing moment to record. (And to maybe lord over him later.) 

Of course, once we were at my sister’s house, I attempted to say goodbye to him. He tossed a hand over his shoulder and called out, “yeah, bye, mom.” He didn’t even bother turning around. So good to know where I rate, kid. 

I called my sister a little before bedtime to see how he was doing and to say goodnight. He talked so fast that between the speed and his speech impediment I could only catch a few words. But I knew without a doubt that meant he was having fun. My sister said he was also being good, so that was a plus.

The girls where home alone with their dad since I was working, so when I called to check up on them like I always do, I wondered if they where asking for their brother. They were not. Apparently those girls are just fine without him. I’m sure they appreciated the break, lol.

As hard as the past few weeks have been for our family, I try to continue seeing life for these moments. Simple bliss. Pure joy. Unconditional love. I know that they will get me through. 

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Hormonal, paranoid, or…right?

With the advent of all this technology, there are many avenues with which to maintain proper manners without actually communicating with someone who makes you uncomfortable. Don’t want to make a phone call and actually converse with someone? Send a card. Send an e-card. Send a text. Send a Facebook message. Get my drift?

My birthday was on Monday. I got nothing directly from my in-laws. They said something in passing to CJ, but that was all. And I was willing to accept that as being enough. Until today. Today is CJ’s brother-in-law’s birthday. Also a relative to my in-laws through marriage. He however, got a nice Facebook message for all to see wishing him a wonderful day and lots of love.

How do they not understand that I just want their love too?

The week from Hell is almost over. MJ and Q have both been sick and decided to share it with Mommy as well. It even got so bad that I asked CJ to use his last vacation day yesterday to give me some help – and a much needed nap. There was no question as far as he was concerned. CJ was glad to do it. I wonder if he truly knows just how much I appreciate him. He does so much for us.

I think we make a great team. We do not have cousins who live next door who can babysit on a whim so we can go out. We do not have parents who take our kids all weekend every weekend. We work alternating shifts; give up time with each other so the kids have what they need. In our 15 minute crossover on days we both work, I give “daily report” and tell CJ when and what to give the kids for dinner before quick goodbyes and “Mommy will call you to say goodnight.” Considering everything, I think we do a pretty damn good job and it hurts me when people who are catered to try to tell me all the things I do wrong or make any other type of comment about my life.

I love my family. Every day I thank God for bringing CJ into my life and blessing me with the gift of being the mother to my beautiful children. All of them. Even the little oopsie currently cooking (for a few more months).

Poke me, tease me, spit in my eye; I will not let it break me. I may bleed, cry, need a hug from my babies, but your words and actions will never be more important to me than what I know to be truth. Such a wonderful man would not love me if I were such a terrible person. My children would not be smart and kind and beautiful if I were not raising them right. I deserve to be as happy as my family makes me ALL THE TIME. So I will be.

Postpartum Depression?

Seven days ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and I am one proud mama!

After MJ’s birth, I did not really suffer from Postpartum Depression. I was definitely more emotional than normal (crying at commercial, etc.) by I did not have any severe feelings. After this birth, I have an irrational fear that I cannot keep both my babies; that I will have to choose between them. I think this stems from the fact that every day since we have brought Q home, I have had to watch MJ grow more independent. He will go in his toy room alone and entertain himself without asking for someone to come in and keep him company. If I am feeding his sister before bedtime, MJ will sit alone on the sofa instead of snuggling in my lap like was our routine.

I know I should be happy, but these things make me so nervous that he thinks he has been replaced and that mommy does not love him anymore – hence the fear of being able to only keep one of them.

I do not know any other moms who have suffered through any type of Postpartum Depression or the like. Any advice that could be given, would be greatly appreciated.

:-)

I already knew CJ was a great guy, but a few days ago was one of those days where you can really see what you have and be so unbelievably amazed by it.

While we were out shopping, MJ and I had drifted off and when I rounded the corner to the aisle, CJ looked up and saw us. As he looked our that direction, he saw a woman struggling to put a large bag of dog food into her cart. With no hesitation, he walked over to her and said, “Ma’am (yes, he said ma’am!), can I help you?”

She looked completely relieved, as no one else had stopped to help her. He proceeded to help her load two large bags into her cart and then we went on our way, finished our shopping, and went home.

When we got home, I pulled the pork out of the crockpot and began to shred it for dinner. MJ puttered his way over to me and stood between my legs while I was working. I heard CJ ask, “Where’s my baby boy?” MJ stuck his head out from between my legs, looked at his dad, and laughed. He laughed so hard – I adore baby giggles.

CJ continued asking where MJ was and MJ continued popping his head out and laughing. As all babies do, MJ played this game way past the point where it was actually fun, but CJ continued right along without sounding frustrated or tired of it.

He constantly surprises me with how he has seamlessly transitioned into being a dad from having never been around small children before. He is just absolutely amazing and I hope he knows that I realize how lucky I am to have him.

We were supposed to close on the house on Friday. I should have known better than to get my hopes up with the way our luck has been going. The only thing they needed was one last employment verification for CJ and his HR manager was unavailable yesterday. That one thing has now held us up until next week.

I am told this will be the last hold up. There is nothing from this point on that could prevent closing unless CJ and I see something on our final walkthrough. To be perfectly honest, there would have to something crazy wrong for me to walk away from this now. I cannot wait for MJ to finally be able to sleep in his bed again.

From the time he was five months old until now, he has been sleeping in a pack-and-play and I feel like the worst mother ever whenever I think about it. We were only supposed to be staying with my grandparents for a few weeks, so we did not think we would need the crib and it is buried in our storage unit. My baby deserves better. At least him and his batman do not know any better, but I still cannot wait to spoil MJ big time to make up for it.

He loves his batman...

He loves his batman…