Posted on by

0

Lately, my newsfeed and even places I go are full of pregnant bellies or teeny, tiny babies. I try my best to be the right amount of happy for the situation, but pushing pain to the side doesn’t mean I won’t feel it later. Some people still seem to struggle with supporting me in this. So to them, I’ve just stopped mentioning it. But it’s hard to pretend everything is okay. I just feel like I’m pretending an awful lot lately.

I pretend I’m happy when I’m not. I pretend I’m fine when I’m really upset about a situation. I don’t want to continue seeming “irrational” and “emotional.”

I feel like the only one I don’t have to put on a show for is CJ. But even then, I don’t want to overburden him when he’s been nothing short of a rockstar lately. I know this has been hard on him as well and I hate feeling like I’m one more thing he has to deal with. He has been so reliable and amazing. Encouraging therapy for the things I can’t talk through with him and helping out around the house.

For being unbelievably amazing, I thank you. Ten years together has not been enough. I hope it’s many more.

I have neglected my writing as of late, and sought solace in reading. I know I promised, but give a girl a break.

I honestly can’t remember how I came upon it, but I started reading something serialized. Only one chapter per week is released. Normally, this would SUPER bother me as I don’t like waiting for the ending, but as I was so far behind when I started it, it was okay. I had plenty of chapters to catch up on.

People would leave comments each week and it was through these comments that I realized I was reading a translated work and a live-action drama existed in its native language. I searched around and HULU came to the rescue. They had the entire series there and I was stoked!

So here’s the deal. The original story and the drama are in Korean. At the time the drama was made, only three out of the four books were done (it is also serialized weekly there), so the drama is open ended. Now in Korea, they have the complete story (end of book four), but the English translation is about three years behind. Yes, you read that correctly. Three years. So when I first watched the drama, it actually passed where I was up to in the story. I am on book three, chapter 45 and have still not caught up to the end of the drama (which remember, was just up to the end of book three), so for now it’s okay that I don’t have the full story. Once I no longer know what’s coming and I’m waiting week by week for the chapters in book four, I know it will be a different story. It will be so hard to wait for the ending!

Another post will follow with what I have discovered about these “k-dramas.” Because frankly, I love them.  🙂

Posted on by

0

It is far cheaper in this household to buy certain things in bulk and then separate them myself. But in order to do this, I need the containers to put things in. I hate wasting plastic baggies and the like, so I insist upon having reusable containers.

I had just bought some new containers and asked CJ to clean them and put them away while I was at work one night. So yesterday, when I went to use them, I looked where all the other storage containers are kept. The new ones weren’t there. I tried looking in a few places that made sense, but to no avail. I could not find them anywhere. I ended up having to text CJ on the first day at his new job because I was frustrated and I needed them. He knew exactly what I was talking about and exactly where I could find them.

I should know that unless I tell him exactly where I want something, I will not be able to find it.

But I really shouldn’t give him too much of a hard time about it. I have a difficult time finding things in general. In fact, we have a running joke about my inability to find things. And not just in the house. There have been many times where I have been out and someone has tried to point something out to me and I am unable to find it. I usually try to brush it off with, “Sorry. I’m bad at Where’s Waldo.”

The only thing that seems to save me when I’m having an especially hard time finding something is CJ. For some reason, even just his presence in the same room helps me find what I’m looking for. He laughs when he knows why I’ve called him and just comes to stand by me. He doesn’t help most of the time. He knows he won’t have to. It doesn’t take long to find what I need once he’s there. I just wish I had that kind of locating power all the time. Maybe one day his skills will rub off on me.  🙂

Posted on by

1

This afternoon I went out to put fresh flowers on Riley’s grave. Sometimes I feel like it’s been so much longer than two months since the baby passed. Sometimes it feels like only yesterday.

I apologize for my absence as of late. There was an intense family issue going on that had to be dealt with. Not here in our house, but it affected us nonetheless. Besides dealing with this issue, a lot of things have been asked of me lately that I’m not sure I’m up to the task of. I mean, how do you save someone from drowning when you don’t know how to swim? How can you give them breath when you’ve forgotten how to breathe?

I feel like some see the smile on my face and think, “Oh, look. She’s all better.” Well, I can tell you: this is not the case. Sometimes there’s a smile on my face because I know my children are watching and they have seen me cry enough. Sometimes there’s a smile on my face because I know you’re struggling too and I don’t want you to ever think I feel your struggle is less than mine. Sometimes there’s a smile on my face simply because I know it’s expected and I don’t like feeling as if I’ve let anyone down.

Let me take a moment to be frank. I am not okay. I don’t think I will ever be okay. But I will survive. I will make sure my living children have full and wonderful lives. But sometimes, I will need some space. Sometimes I will need more help than I have ever asked for. Sometimes I will need you to offer it to me, because despite how much I may need it, I am too embarrassed to ask for it myself. Sometimes, I will need you to ask for less. There are too many missing pieces of myself lately. I am sorry, but I have nothing left to give at the moment.

I have to take each day one at a time. Some days are easy. We laugh. We have fun. I feel like myself. Other days are rough. I am teary. I am depressed. I stumble upon pictures my girlfriend has taken for the first birthday of another child named Riley and weep because my Riley will never have a first birthday.

Just be here for me. Let me take a turn to lean on you. I have not abandoned you; please don’t abandon me. We can all find a way through.

Good or Bad Reads

Posted on by

0

Ever since I discovered Goodreads, I have stopped writing book reviews here and leave them on that site instead. I am pretty good about doing a review for basically everything I read. I figure, if I want others to do it for me, I have to return the favor.

The book I just finished April 30th has left me so frustrated that I needed to vent here; even after leaving my review on Goodreads.

On Goodreads, I try to leave objective reviews. Of course I avoid spoilers, but then I try not to overly sway others with my view while at the same time being honest. This book was difficult for me to not go into great detail about why I almost gave up on it. This is why what I said simply writing there didn’t fulfill my need to complain about this book.

When a series sets up certain parameters, it really bothers me when they don’t stand by them. This can go for plot, character growth and development, rules of the established universe, or even narration style.

In books one and two of this series, the female protagonist is the only point of view we get to read from. In this third installment, a new narrator is added. Then ANOTHER on page 318. But that one we will come back to.

The two narrators we have for a majority of the book, I feel are terrible choices. One is imprisoned. She was whiny and intolerable before she had this to content with. Now she was worse. The second does not want to be where she is. This leads to severely harsh, biased, and SELECTIVE narration. One can only tell us what she overhears. Two can only tell us what she chooses to hear. Neither of them SHOW us anything. I hated how all the battles and intrigue where dictated to us instead of displayed.

The addition of the third narrator was frustrating as it further broke an already broken stricture. Just because you’re the author and it’s your story, doesn’t mean you can do anything you want. I mean, you can. But you can’t.

So, the part of me that longs for structure didn’t like the addition of this narrator, but the reader in me was excited because this point of view had to be better than the others. Third’s first few chapters were meh, but her last was just like the others. Whiny.

I just can’t feel sorry for these girls. They are both progressive and regressive, depending on what could cause the most conflict. This lead to a host of inconsistencies. Also, for all their complaining, none of these girls made active choices to change their circumstances. I felt as if thy just didn’t care about themselves. And this made me not care. How am I supposed to want to keep reading if I couldn’t care less about what is happening to them?

But now that I have put in the time and effort of reading and reviewing three books, I suppose I will have to read the fourth one anyway, just because now I will need to know how the story ends. Hopefully this fourth one will end the series like the third was supposed to. This was not the first time I read books that were meant to be a trilogy.

It’s a good thing it’s not meant to be out until February though because I have made a promise to myself and to you, my readers. I will not start reading a new book until the current draft I am working on is complete. It is close to being done and I want to avoid the extra excuse for distraction that an intriguing book can be. I will be posting updates on my Twitter and my Facebook page. I am thinking of having a contest for beta readers, as I do not have enough at the moment. Getting excited!

Posted on by

0

Today marks three weeks since we buried Riley. Some days require less pretending than others. Some days, I am able to embrace the moment, experience it, then move on. Some days, the sadness brings me to my knees. I am a work in progress.

Last night, one of my girl friends took me out to see Beauty and the Beast. We had a nice time before and after, but during the movie, I wasn’t sure exactly how to feel. As you know, I had already seen this movie when my sister and I took our girls to see it. I was still pregnant then. So at first, this was all I could focus on. Then I could only focus on the jerks who came in late, couldn’t find their seats, and interrupted the prologue.

The flashback scenes in the movie are sad and they hit me so much harder this go-around. Many of the musical numbers caused me to cry.

I talked about this with CJ when I got home. Beauty and the Beast has been my favorite Disney movie since I was a child. I have seen the musical many times, including on Broadway. I have all the music on my iPod, even some sheet music from my playing days. I was afraid that all the emotion I felt during this most recent viewing might ruin how I feel about everything. But I told CJ, I think it may have actually made me love it more. Now it needs to hurry up on come out for purchase.

 

A Few Weeks Ago

Posted on by

0

I started writing this post quite a while ago; before we found out about Riley. I decided it was finally time to go back and share this story because I have to still be able to see the bright things in my life. 

Yesterday, I witnessed one of the cutest things I have ever seen. It was one of those moments where you wish you knew what was going to happen ahead of time so you could record it. 

MJ had just gotten home from school, but he was already involved in playing with his sisters. I got his attention in order to inform him he would be spending the night at his aunt’s house, so he could play with his cousins. He dropped the toy he was holding, fell to his knees, and said, “thank you.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen him just so overwhelmed with emotion. This would have seriously been an amazing moment to record. (And to maybe lord over him later.) 

Of course, once we were at my sister’s house, I attempted to say goodbye to him. He tossed a hand over his shoulder and called out, “yeah, bye, mom.” He didn’t even bother turning around. So good to know where I rate, kid. 

I called my sister a little before bedtime to see how he was doing and to say goodnight. He talked so fast that between the speed and his speech impediment I could only catch a few words. But I knew without a doubt that meant he was having fun. My sister said he was also being good, so that was a plus.

The girls where home alone with their dad since I was working, so when I called to check up on them like I always do, I wondered if they where asking for their brother. They were not. Apparently those girls are just fine without him. I’m sure they appreciated the break, lol.

As hard as the past few weeks have been for our family, I try to continue seeing life for these moments. Simple bliss. Pure joy. Unconditional love. I know that they will get me through. 

Posted on by

0

Today, the last of the physical proof of what happened to me ended. CJ cannot fully understand why I’m devastated by this. I am upset because besides my broken heart, this was the last of any evidence that Riley was real. It makes me feel even more empty than I already did.

I have been given the contact information of a few women who have gone through this as well. I know that talking to them would definitely help me heal; or at least help me move in that direction. However, I just can’t do this yet. I mean, what do I even say? How do you start that conversation?

I am having a hard time eating and sleeping. Especially sleeping. I know I need some help. Also, I can’t stop myself from going to the cemetery every day. When does that compulsion end?

 

Riley Jordan

Posted on by

0

Today I painted my face to hide my blotchy cheeks and puffy eyes so I could go out into the world. But I am empty. Literally. I am empty.

As heartbreaking as Monday was, Wednesday was horrific. I have never in my life had any sort of surgical procedure. My heartache over the loss of our child was compounded by the anxiety I felt over being at the hospital and this caused an earth-shattering guilt because I felt I shouldn’t be worried about myself at all. Then, as I was finally released from the hospital, I had to reconcile myself to the fact that instead of bringing my child home warm and bundled in a carseat, I was bringing my child home in a small container.

Today, I wrap my head around the fact I had to pick out a little box. Why does no one ever talk about the tiny coffins? It is the smallest and saddest thing I have ever seen. And then to listen to CJ on the phone with one of the men from the cemetery, giving the dimensions of the little box? …

There are not adequate words to describe this situation. I am struggling to find a way to survive a funeral for my own child. I have never been to one before. And this has to be my first.

Many people have already made comments about trying again, but how can I even think about that when I have to put a child in the ground? Even then, I’m not sure if I will ever be ready. This has devastated me. These few days since Monday I have been having a hard time controlling my tears and even my actions around the other kids. How could I ever risk this happening again?

I am still a mother of four. This baby will always count. We will always remember.