Category Archives: Life

My Furnace Blows

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I know, I know. I post a schedule and the very next week I don’t follow it.

In my defense, when we got home from preschool on Monday, the air in the house was cloudy. CJ and I spent the evening trying to figure out what was going on and trying to do some cleaning because many things in the house looked dirty all the sudden. Tuesday, we were all sick-y, so while the boys spent their days at work and school, the girls and I went to my sister’s house to get out of the cloud that was still in our house.

While we were gone, we opened up windows to air things out, but it being winter and all, it got super cold in the house. CJ called around and found a heating and cooling place that said they would come out Tuesday night between 8p and 11p. Around 10:30p, they called to explain they could no longer send someone out because the oil furnace technician was unavailable. Glad we had stayed up late for that.

The heating company did come the next day, but as we had the furnace off as to not blow more soot into the house, the girls and I were freezing. And it’s not like I could go anywhere else when I had to be there to let the man in and to pay him. We were all in multiple layers, as it was about 52 degrees in the house, and were snuggled under blankets.

As seems to be the case, the first thing recommended to me was to finance a new furnace. LOL. I opted for the clean up and repair. The furnace was fine; it just needed some love. The technician even ended up being impressed with the beast by the time he left.

So…does this craziness excuse me? It should. The soot was everywhere. When we went to my sister’s, we looked like street urchins. The shampoo I used turned black. When I bathed the girls, I had to drain the water halfway through, refill the tub, and wash them again. Even laundry had to be rewashed because the machines are in the basement, right next to the furnace.

But now, all is well and here I am to deliver my (albeit late) update. Hopefully there will be no more big ticket issues for a while and the furnace will continue to only blow hot air.

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I have taken too long a break from my writing. I have not worked on my novel since Riley died. I have not posted here in weeks. I have wallowed in this depressive funk and made no real efforts to get better.

I didn’t realize just how bad it had become until CJ thanked me for performing a mundane chore before his parents arrived for Q’s birthday.  It had unknowingly gotten to a point where my husband felt the need to thank me for doing my job as a wife and mother. It’s hard to come to terms with that.

Progress, by definition, requires effort. I have been allowing CJ to put forth all the effort while putting forth none of my own. I have taken solace in my obsessions and compulsions. I apologize to my family for this.

It has become clear that my “coping mechanisms” were grossly inadequate. Writing however, seems to be the one outlet that has never failed me, yet I have failed it. Why do we avoid things that can help make us well? Why not dive headfirst into the things that can make us happy?

So, here’s the schedule. Mondays will be for updates. Thursdays will be for reviews. Surprise posts are always an option and are free from restriction. Editing will occur at least three times per week, for however long I can dedicate to it. I hope that giving myself these deadlines will help. I am a queen of procrastination, but I like a good due date. I will read more. I will continue therapy. I will do my job. I will strive to be able to return the extraordinary care I have received. You can count on it.

Today

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I have been having a difficult time the past few days.

Of the [quite a few] women I know who have recently had a baby, almost all of them have returned to work. Their Facebooks have been full of baby pictures and messages of regret in having to leave their child in order to return to work.

These messages upset me. I mean, at least they have a baby to leave. I don’t have my baby at all. But even that thought right there – the one that came unbidden – makes me feel horrible. Am I being harsh and unjust to these other mothers when they are just bragging about their beautiful new babies? And does this mean I am ungrateful for what I already have?

Am I cherishing my other children less because I cannot cherish their sibling enough? I find myself torn sometimes in moments of joy because I think about the one who will never participate in these moments with us. Will that always be the case? I know they say things will get better with time, but as I have no experience with the death of a close loved one, I just can’t help but feel that I am forever altered.

As my OCD has been exacerbated in these stressful and painful last few months, I find myself withdrawing from things I do want to do/participate in as an effort to avoid my triggers. CJ and I keep talking about things we would like to do once I reach what we refer to as my “baseline,” but I’m worried that may not be the same anymore. And I don’t know how to cope with that. I don’t want to become a recluse who stops living their life and not doing things they enjoy. I want to feel the desire to play, write, even just be helpful around the house.

Before, my bad days were few and far between. Now, as there have been so many gathered together, it’s hard to see that it won’t always be like this. It’s difficult sometimes to convince myself to continue pushing through. But I am a strong woman. I am intelligent and occasionally, kind of funny. I will try my best to keep smiling until the day where it’s not pretend anymore. Starting today.

Dear Riley

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Today is your due date. But you’re not here.

As I was early with all your siblings, I assume you would have been here by now. So all I can think about this cold, rainy morning is how all of us would be bundled up and snuggling, enjoying the fullness of our family.

Instead, today I will be visiting you elsewhere. I will go to the little plot where the grass has just begun to grow. Where instead of family, you are surrounded by other stillborns and children gone too soon. And instead of holding you, I will miss you.

But remember, my Riley – I will hold you in my heart, until I can hold you in my arms.

All my love,
Mom

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My insomnia has been the boss of me the past week or so. It’s hard to accomplish anything when you’re operating under a caffeine fueled fog. CJ has been majorly supportive even though I know he’s been really frustrated. I was doing really well with sleep for a while, but the closer we come to the baby’s due date (October 12th), the more trouble I have. I think the earliest I’ve gone to bed in the past few days was three in the morning. This past Friday into Saturday, I didn’t go to bed until six Saturday morning. No matter what I tried doing, nothing could settle me enough for sleep.

My hope is that if I push though these next few days, even though that one day will be catastrophic, everything will be better afterwards.

On a brighter note, Q is a rockstar. I firmly believe children need to be able to test their limits. I don’t hover on the playground or in the backyard. I will occasionally remind them to be smart if the situation arises, but I want them to learn to trust in themselves and their capabilities. When one calls out because they have climbed too high and are scared, I will stand by just in case, but I don’t help. I encourage. I remind them they got up there by themselves so if they stop to think about it, they have the ability to get down themselves as well. Once they are calm, they come back down, unassisted.

We have a tree in the yard the kids love to climb. They are in it at least once per day. They know their limits and where they feel comfortable in it as far as how high they can go. A few days ago, Q decided to push herself and climb a little higher. It ended up being too high for her and she panicked. However, with guidance and a calm voice from mom, she was able to climb down all by herself. Rockstar.

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After having survived visiting both sides of the family in a single weekend and numerous hours in the van, we still had plenty to get ready for at home. We had the beginning of school for MJ and Q, the end of my job at the hospital, and the beginning of babysitting for one of my girlfriends. We have been an exceptionally busy household.

Most days, it’s been the level of busy where you feel really accomplished by the end of the day, but you’re too tired to do anything else other than binge on DramaFever before bed.

There have been a few highlights since school has started. One of the things I loved was one morning while driving to school, as we passed the cemetery, Q waved out the window and said, “Hi, Baby Riley.” It was just that simple; just that sweet. And now they always do it. It makes me both happy and sad at the same time. The other thing has to do with MJ. One of the other mothers was in his classroom for a birthday. She pulled me aside at pickup later that day to tell me how impressed she was with how well-behaved and polite he is. I was shocked. And so excited. I can deal as long as he’s only naughty at home lol.

So today begins my attempt at a better, more structured writing schedule – squeezing it in between life and everything else. Hopefully I will be as successful as I would like to be.  Wish me luck!

Update

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CJ and MJ are out having a father and son date. My sister and her children just left. My girls are down for naps. For the first time in a very long time I am “alone” in the house. So what am I going to do? Well, I already started a load of laundry, so I figured an update was well past due.

So much has been going on lately. There have been strides toward improvement in therapy. The kids are registered for school and uniforms are ordered. (Still can’t believe two will be in school.) CJ and my cousin are almost done with the construction on our second floor. MJ is almost done with speech for the summer. He will also be going on his first vacation soon.

Letting him go on this vacation was huge for me. He will be gone to OBX for one week with my in-laws. I’m already nervous about it, but I told CJ I should get extra mommy bonus points for agreeing despite how I feel. I trust them implicitly, but he’s five. And it’s for a week. Ah!

As my schedule settles over the rest of this week, I am going to work on a more defined plan for posting here and finishing my current draft of Becca’s War so I can move on toward publication. I hope everyone is as excited as I am.  🙂

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Lately, my newsfeed and even places I go are full of pregnant bellies or teeny, tiny babies. I try my best to be the right amount of happy for the situation, but pushing pain to the side doesn’t mean I won’t feel it later. Some people still seem to struggle with supporting me in this. So to them, I’ve just stopped mentioning it. But it’s hard to pretend everything is okay. I just feel like I’m pretending an awful lot lately.

I pretend I’m happy when I’m not. I pretend I’m fine when I’m really upset about a situation. I don’t want to continue seeming “irrational” and “emotional.”

I feel like the only one I don’t have to put on a show for is CJ. But even then, I don’t want to overburden him when he’s been nothing short of a rockstar lately. I know this has been hard on him as well and I hate feeling like I’m one more thing he has to deal with. He has been so reliable and amazing. Encouraging therapy for the things I can’t talk through with him and helping out around the house.

For being unbelievably amazing, I thank you. Ten years together has not been enough. I hope it’s many more.

I have neglected my writing as of late, and sought solace in reading. I know I promised, but give a girl a break.

I honestly can’t remember how I came upon it, but I started reading something serialized. Only one chapter per week is released. Normally, this would SUPER bother me as I don’t like waiting for the ending, but as I was so far behind when I started it, it was okay. I had plenty of chapters to catch up on.

People would leave comments each week and it was through these comments that I realized I was reading a translated work and a live-action drama existed in its native language. I searched around and HULU came to the rescue. They had the entire series there and I was stoked!

So here’s the deal. The original story and the drama are in Korean. At the time the drama was made, only three out of the four books were done (it is also serialized weekly there), so the drama is open ended. Now in Korea, they have the complete story (end of book four), but the English translation is about three years behind. Yes, you read that correctly. Three years. So when I first watched the drama, it actually passed where I was up to in the story. I am on book three, chapter 45 and have still not caught up to the end of the drama (which remember, was just up to the end of book three), so for now it’s okay that I don’t have the full story. Once I no longer know what’s coming and I’m waiting week by week for the chapters in book four, I know it will be a different story. It will be so hard to wait for the ending!

Another post will follow with what I have discovered about these “k-dramas.” Because frankly, I love them.  🙂

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It is far cheaper in this household to buy certain things in bulk and then separate them myself. But in order to do this, I need the containers to put things in. I hate wasting plastic baggies and the like, so I insist upon having reusable containers.

I had just bought some new containers and asked CJ to clean them and put them away while I was at work one night. So yesterday, when I went to use them, I looked where all the other storage containers are kept. The new ones weren’t there. I tried looking in a few places that made sense, but to no avail. I could not find them anywhere. I ended up having to text CJ on the first day at his new job because I was frustrated and I needed them. He knew exactly what I was talking about and exactly where I could find them.

I should know that unless I tell him exactly where I want something, I will not be able to find it.

But I really shouldn’t give him too much of a hard time about it. I have a difficult time finding things in general. In fact, we have a running joke about my inability to find things. And not just in the house. There have been many times where I have been out and someone has tried to point something out to me and I am unable to find it. I usually try to brush it off with, “Sorry. I’m bad at Where’s Waldo.”

The only thing that seems to save me when I’m having an especially hard time finding something is CJ. For some reason, even just his presence in the same room helps me find what I’m looking for. He laughs when he knows why I’ve called him and just comes to stand by me. He doesn’t help most of the time. He knows he won’t have to. It doesn’t take long to find what I need once he’s there. I just wish I had that kind of locating power all the time. Maybe one day his skills will rub off on me.  🙂

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This afternoon I went out to put fresh flowers on Riley’s grave. Sometimes I feel like it’s been so much longer than two months since the baby passed. Sometimes it feels like only yesterday.

I apologize for my absence as of late. There was an intense family issue going on that had to be dealt with. Not here in our house, but it affected us nonetheless. Besides dealing with this issue, a lot of things have been asked of me lately that I’m not sure I’m up to the task of. I mean, how do you save someone from drowning when you don’t know how to swim? How can you give them breath when you’ve forgotten how to breathe?

I feel like some see the smile on my face and think, “Oh, look. She’s all better.” Well, I can tell you: this is not the case. Sometimes there’s a smile on my face because I know my children are watching and they have seen me cry enough. Sometimes there’s a smile on my face because I know you’re struggling too and I don’t want you to ever think I feel your struggle is less than mine. Sometimes there’s a smile on my face simply because I know it’s expected and I don’t like feeling as if I’ve let anyone down.

Let me take a moment to be frank. I am not okay. I don’t think I will ever be okay. But I will survive. I will make sure my living children have full and wonderful lives. But sometimes, I will need some space. Sometimes I will need more help than I have ever asked for. Sometimes I will need you to offer it to me, because despite how much I may need it, I am too embarrassed to ask for it myself. Sometimes, I will need you to ask for less. There are too many missing pieces of myself lately. I am sorry, but I have nothing left to give at the moment.

I have to take each day one at a time. Some days are easy. We laugh. We have fun. I feel like myself. Other days are rough. I am teary. I am depressed. I stumble upon pictures my girlfriend has taken for the first birthday of another child named Riley and weep because my Riley will never have a first birthday.

Just be here for me. Let me take a turn to lean on you. I have not abandoned you; please don’t abandon me. We can all find a way through.