After having survived visiting both sides of the family in a single weekend and numerous hours in the van, we still had plenty to get ready for at home. We had the beginning of school for MJ and Q, the end of my job at the hospital, and the beginning of babysitting for one of my girlfriends. We have been an exceptionally busy household.

Most days, it’s been the level of busy where you feel really accomplished by the end of the day, but you’re too tired to do anything else other than binge on DramaFever before bed.

There have been a few highlights since school has started. One of the things I loved was one morning while driving to school, as we passed the cemetery, Q waved out the window and said, “Hi, Baby Riley.” It was just that simple; just that sweet. And now they always do it. It makes me both happy and sad at the same time. The other thing has to do with MJ. One of the other mothers was in his classroom for a birthday. She pulled me aside at pickup later that day to tell me how impressed she was with how well-behaved and polite he is. I was shocked. And so excited. I can deal as long as he’s only naughty at home lol.

So today begins my attempt at a better, more structured writing schedule – squeezing it in between life and everything else. Hopefully I will be as successful as I would like to be.  Wish me luck!

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Too Much

Have you ever gone through a phase in your life where you feel you must constantly sacrifice for others? I am definitely there.

Just a little while ago, I had to do something I am not comfortable with. I feel sick. I probably would have felt sick if I hadn’t done it too. But then I would have felt sick and guilty. Next weekend I have to attend an event I wish I didn’t have to go to. I am already anxious about it. But if I don’t go, it would hurt multiple people’s feelings.

But here’s my question: why are my feelings less important than others’? What have I done to make my own wishes so secondary to anyone else’s?

My pain is real, whether you can see it or not. Right now it would be obvious to anyone who saw me. I don’t want to keep feeling this way.

Please see my need is real too.

Please stop asking too much.

Update

CJ and MJ are out having a father and son date. My sister and her children just left. My girls are down for naps. For the first time in a very long time I am “alone” in the house. So what am I going to do? Well, I already started a load of laundry, so I figured an update was well past due.

So much has been going on lately. There have been strides toward improvement in therapy. The kids are registered for school and uniforms are ordered. (Still can’t believe two will be in school.) CJ and my cousin are almost done with the construction on our second floor. MJ is almost done with speech for the summer. He will also be going on his first vacation soon.

Letting him go on this vacation was huge for me. He will be gone to OBX for one week with my in-laws. I’m already nervous about it, but I told CJ I should get extra mommy bonus points for agreeing despite how I feel. I trust them implicitly, but he’s five. And it’s for a week. Ah!

As my schedule settles over the rest of this week, I am going to work on a more defined plan for posting here and finishing my current draft of Becca’s War so I can move on toward publication. I hope everyone is as excited as I am.  🙂

K-dramas

So, I started with the k-drama based on the books I was reading. LOVED it. Watched it a second time. Decided to try out another one. HULU recommended a few so I picked the first one. Thought it was also great. Found and watched a third which had the same main male actor as the second one. He wasn’t as happy in the third one and I missed his smile. So I watched the second one again (just the good parts). Now I’m watching the third one again.

Before you judge me too harshly, let me make it clear that k-dramas are only one season long. It’s not like I was binge watching multiple seasons or anything.

What’s so amazing about k-dramas, you ask? Well, let me tell you.

Just like anything else, of course, k-dramas have their issues. First of all, they are in a different language. This poses a problem not because I can’t stand subtitles (honestly, they’re always on in our house anyway), but because you cannot multitask while you watch. It’s hard to do chores or even have a casual conversation when you are dependent upon reading to understand. This also means I have to know where my glasses are. I’m terrible about wearing them, but it’s a necessity if I’m going to be doing that much reading, especially at a distance.

I think the best thing about these shows is that they aren’t explicit. And I’m not just talking about language. Even though these shows are geared for an older audience, I am not afraid to watch them in front of my kids. I truly appreciate this fact. Many a show I have watched for multiple seasons  lost their way and resorted to a storyline that had lost its plot and I’ve given up on them.

Since k-dramas are only one season, they have a clearly defined story they wish to tell and they don’t have to resort to anything else. Plus, it feels like they always end. I mean, I know I’ve only watched three, but it feels like every character and story arc comes to some sort of completion by the finale. It’s a great feeling. No cliffhanger until next season. No unexplained storylines because of an early cancelation. Honestly, I think I prefer it. It almost feels like a really long movie.

I feel as though the silly little cons against k-dramas are far outweighed by the pros. I plan on watching quite a few more if you check my watchlist. Also, they’ve led me to some really fun music. And I have yet to come across a music video I had to skip because of content while we had dance parties in the living room.

So if you have the time and inclination (and you don’t mind subtitles) seriously, give it a try.

Lately, my newsfeed and even places I go are full of pregnant bellies or teeny, tiny babies. I try my best to be the right amount of happy for the situation, but pushing pain to the side doesn’t mean I won’t feel it later. Some people still seem to struggle with supporting me in this. So to them, I’ve just stopped mentioning it. But it’s hard to pretend everything is okay. I just feel like I’m pretending an awful lot lately.

I pretend I’m happy when I’m not. I pretend I’m fine when I’m really upset about a situation. I don’t want to continue seeming “irrational” and “emotional.”

I feel like the only one I don’t have to put on a show for is CJ. But even then, I don’t want to overburden him when he’s been nothing short of a rockstar lately. I know this has been hard on him as well and I hate feeling like I’m one more thing he has to deal with. He has been so reliable and amazing. Encouraging therapy for the things I can’t talk through with him and helping out around the house.

For being unbelievably amazing, I thank you. Ten years together has not been enough. I hope it’s many more.

I have neglected my writing as of late, and sought solace in reading. I know I promised, but give a girl a break.

I honestly can’t remember how I came upon it, but I started reading something serialized. Only one chapter per week is released. Normally, this would SUPER bother me as I don’t like waiting for the ending, but as I was so far behind when I started it, it was okay. I had plenty of chapters to catch up on.

People would leave comments each week and it was through these comments that I realized I was reading a translated work and a live-action drama existed in its native language. I searched around and HULU came to the rescue. They had the entire series there and I was stoked!

So here’s the deal. The original story and the drama are in Korean. At the time the drama was made, only three out of the four books were done (it is also serialized weekly there), so the drama is open ended. Now in Korea, they have the complete story (end of book four), but the English translation is about three years behind. Yes, you read that correctly. Three years. So when I first watched the drama, it actually passed where I was up to in the story. I am on book three, chapter 45 and have still not caught up to the end of the drama (which remember, was just up to the end of book three), so for now it’s okay that I don’t have the full story. Once I no longer know what’s coming and I’m waiting week by week for the chapters in book four, I know it will be a different story. It will be so hard to wait for the ending!

Another post will follow with what I have discovered about these “k-dramas.” Because frankly, I love them.  🙂

It is far cheaper in this household to buy certain things in bulk and then separate them myself. But in order to do this, I need the containers to put things in. I hate wasting plastic baggies and the like, so I insist upon having reusable containers.

I had just bought some new containers and asked CJ to clean them and put them away while I was at work one night. So yesterday, when I went to use them, I looked where all the other storage containers are kept. The new ones weren’t there. I tried looking in a few places that made sense, but to no avail. I could not find them anywhere. I ended up having to text CJ on the first day at his new job because I was frustrated and I needed them. He knew exactly what I was talking about and exactly where I could find them.

I should know that unless I tell him exactly where I want something, I will not be able to find it.

But I really shouldn’t give him too much of a hard time about it. I have a difficult time finding things in general. In fact, we have a running joke about my inability to find things. And not just in the house. There have been many times where I have been out and someone has tried to point something out to me and I am unable to find it. I usually try to brush it off with, “Sorry. I’m bad at Where’s Waldo.”

The only thing that seems to save me when I’m having an especially hard time finding something is CJ. For some reason, even just his presence in the same room helps me find what I’m looking for. He laughs when he knows why I’ve called him and just comes to stand by me. He doesn’t help most of the time. He knows he won’t have to. It doesn’t take long to find what I need once he’s there. I just wish I had that kind of locating power all the time. Maybe one day his skills will rub off on me.  🙂

This afternoon I went out to put fresh flowers on Riley’s grave. Sometimes I feel like it’s been so much longer than two months since the baby passed. Sometimes it feels like only yesterday.

I apologize for my absence as of late. There was an intense family issue going on that had to be dealt with. Not here in our house, but it affected us nonetheless. Besides dealing with this issue, a lot of things have been asked of me lately that I’m not sure I’m up to the task of. I mean, how do you save someone from drowning when you don’t know how to swim? How can you give them breath when you’ve forgotten how to breathe?

I feel like some see the smile on my face and think, “Oh, look. She’s all better.” Well, I can tell you: this is not the case. Sometimes there’s a smile on my face because I know my children are watching and they have seen me cry enough. Sometimes there’s a smile on my face because I know you’re struggling too and I don’t want you to ever think I feel your struggle is less than mine. Sometimes there’s a smile on my face simply because I know it’s expected and I don’t like feeling as if I’ve let anyone down.

Let me take a moment to be frank. I am not okay. I don’t think I will ever be okay. But I will survive. I will make sure my living children have full and wonderful lives. But sometimes, I will need some space. Sometimes I will need more help than I have ever asked for. Sometimes I will need you to offer it to me, because despite how much I may need it, I am too embarrassed to ask for it myself. Sometimes, I will need you to ask for less. There are too many missing pieces of myself lately. I am sorry, but I have nothing left to give at the moment.

I have to take each day one at a time. Some days are easy. We laugh. We have fun. I feel like myself. Other days are rough. I am teary. I am depressed. I stumble upon pictures my girlfriend has taken for the first birthday of another child named Riley and weep because my Riley will never have a first birthday.

Just be here for me. Let me take a turn to lean on you. I have not abandoned you; please don’t abandon me. We can all find a way through.