Category Archives: Life

A Broken Jingle Bell

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For the past few years, I have had a very hard time getting into the holiday spirit. This year, I didn’t really at all. The only Christmas songs I listened to were when CJ turned on a Christmas playlist for the kids. I avoided it in the car. I avoided it if I was home alone with the kids. It just feels so broken and disjointed. I feel like the family of the little boy in The Polar Express who can’t hear his bell from Santa’s sleigh ring. I’ve lost the spirit.

I stress over gifts I can’t afford, but feel obligated to buy. I dread the multiple family gatherings. What ever happened to everyone coming to celebrate together? I mean, I could celebrate Christmas any random day in December and my kids would never know the difference because there are still two more Christmases for them to celebrate this season. This is part of the reason it doesn’t really mean anything to me anymore. Christmas is not about gifts. It is about family. And I miss them. I know they always come to celebrate with us, but it’s just not the same when it is a week or two after.

There was one, brief moment on Christmas Day – before church and before I had to go to work – that made me remember that child-like wonder of the season. Q was the first up, was is not normal, so I said I would wake up MJ. I jumped on his bed and said, “Santa was here.” His eyes got real big and he pushed me out of his way to lunge out of bed. His bare little feet slapped against the floor in the hallway until he arrived in the living room. I then watched him drop to his knees in front of the Christmas tree, raise his hands in awe, and whisper “Santa.” It was a beautiful moment and the only time I really felt the spirit. I can’t wait until the girls are a little older and able to enjoy Santa as well. I have hope that their belief will restore mine.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and I wish you a Happy New Year.

That WAS My Jam

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Driving back and forth to pick MJ up from school gives the girls and I a lot of time to listen to the radio. As of late, as most of the radio stations have switched to Christmas music all the time. I haven’t been in the Christmas mood at all this year, so I have been avoiding those stations. That only leaves two stations that come in decently for the whole hour trip. As it tends to go, these stations play the same handful of songs over and OVER.

Since the van has an AUX cable, I decided to bring my iPod along yesterday. Normally, I listen to a specific playlist – like for the soundtrack for the current piece I’m working on. Yesterday, I decided to Shuffle All.

It was like a blast from the past almost. There were songs from high school basketball warm-ups, prom theme songs, and songs my one girlfriend and I used to sing at karaoke. Those karaoke songs made me think of all the fun times we used to have at the campground her mom used to work at. We would mini-golf in the summer and do a terrible job cross-country skiing in the winter. In fact, I’m pretty sure we (or maybe it was just me) broke at least one part of ski boots in the process.

One of things I remember best about these times is when she would call me to say a boy scout troop was at the campground and her mom needed “help.” I would find a way to get myself there and we would gossip and goof around all night and then cook and serve breakfast in the morning. Could her mother have done this herself? Of course. But what teenage girl would have passed up these opportunities? Goodness, I miss that girl.

On a lighter note – yesterday, I had an author interview I gave published. I am really excited about this step in my professional writing career. Read it here!

Until next time.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Seat Them

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So, I had a post planned for over Thanksgiving weekend, but I did not have access to a wifi signal. That’s right. Even though we were at my in-laws, I didn’t have access the internet to do some posting. This has been my first opportunity between getting everything settled back in and home and back into the swing of school.

I was planning on writing a post about the movie I went to see with one of my girlfriends. It was two weeks ago now. We went to see an advanced screening of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. We were really excited when talking about purchasing tickets because we had been to a few midnight showings of Harry Potter films and we thought it would be fun to continue the tradition. When I went to purchase tickets for 12:01 am Friday morning, I saw that the theater we were going to was having advanced screenings on Thursday night at 8pm and 10pm. I called her up and asked if she were interested in either of those times instead. She quickly jumped at the chance to see it at 8pm, as I knew she would since I was also excited to see it at a time that would still put us to bed at a decent hour. At some point, we became old people who can’t function on less than six hours of sleep. Darn kids 🙂

The movie was just as amazing as I was expecting it to be. There was an odd thing about this experience though. The seating. First of all, I was pumped that the seats now reclined and had foot rests. I mean, all the comforts of home with a bigger and better screen and sound system. The crazy thing was that apparently this theater now assigns seats. I never in a million years would have thought to check my movie theater tickets for seat assignments. We didn’t even realize until a group of youngins approached and disdainfully told us we were in their seats. Since when do they tell you where you have to sit when you go to the movies? All I can say is I’m glad we didn’t end up stuck in the front row, craning our necks for two hours.

I guess from now on, I will always purchase my tickets in advance and pay attention to my seating assignment.

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This past month has been bananas.

First and foremost, I want to say that I think full-time working moms are superheroes. The week after Q peed on my glasses, I continued with a full work week covering more vacations. At the end of that second week, I was ridiculously behind on laundry and housework. Then, I ended up with strep throat and got even more behind. The moms who can do all these things and not end up behind are superstars. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so exhausted in my life.

Since CJ has left his full-time job and is trying to break into his freelance career (chrisbatdorf.com), this week has been busy as well. Until he gets up a steady stream of clients, I’ve been accepting all offers to fill in at work, covering call-ins and whatnot.

Besides still trying to catch up at home, it really just hasn’t been my week at work. Wednesday night was the culmination of my recent bout of luck. I had forgotten my dinner at home, so CJ had to pack up the kids and bring me some. He made me an amazing looking salad with grilled chicken. Once I got the chance to, I added the dressing, put the lid back on and began to shake it. It promptly exploded all over my lap, my desk, and the floor. The nurse working with me and the security officer who saw, both panicked. The nurse began running in little circles asking what he could do. The security officer immediately yelled, “wet paper towels” and ran off for the bathroom to get some. They both awkwardly watched me clean myself and my area, unsure whether they could help or not.

Once all was cleaned, and I was as clean as salad dressing would allow on black scrubs, the volunteer came up to the desk and made a comment about how the area now smelled like Caesar. At that point, the nurse and guard totally lost. I’m honestly surprised it took them as long as it did before they started laughing.

A laugh was a great way to end the week, though. And I’m glad for once that I don’t have to work the weekend. I can’t wait to spend some much needed time with my babies. And my washing machine.  🙂

Naughty Babies

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This week has been rough. People at work have been on vacation, so instead of working only three nights per week, I worked six. The babies have noticed and are acting accordingly. This makes me super excited that it is happening again this week as well, as I have learned that the kids are being a little naughty regarding the loss of “mommy time.”

For the most part, we’ve just been experiencing some listening issues, but in the case of Q, she’s being a little vindictive. At one point during this blur of a week, I disciplined her for something – I don’t even remember what. A few minutes later, she told me she had to go potty. Even though she’s two, she’s completely able to take herself to the bathroom without supervision. Since she was taking too long on this occasion, I went in to check on her. As soon as she saw me, she said “Hi, Mommy” and then pulled something out from underneath her. She had peed on my glasses. She took them off the counter, held them underneath her, and peed on them. Then held them out to me like she was proud. Even after I cleaned them, I still had a hard time putting them on my face.

I have a feeling I’m really going to have my hands full with her by the time she’s a teenager. Heck, even when she’s a threenager.

 

Update

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These past two weeks have been intense. And it’s not over yet.

We went on a really nice family vacation and I can’t wait to share pictures and stories about it. But as soon as I returned to work, a co-worker went out for surgery and I’ve been picking up full-time shifts to cover the holes in staffing. It’s been exhausting and I haven’t had time to upload all my pictures.

Besides being tired from all the extra shifts, I have felt really bad for the kids. They are definitely not used to me working so many hours. Even my least snuggly one has been all about the cuddles and the baby cries when I leave.

There’s one more week of this, starting tomorrow. Next week we can finally return to our normal. There will be time for babies and writing and sleep. Can’t wait.

Summer Camp

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gorgeous views from cabins

Once upon a time, I went to a summer camp I thought was truly magical. Once I turned 18, I returned to this camp as a counselor for three years. This particular camp was a sleep away camp, meaning I only had Saturday afternoons off for two months. Just enough time to go home, clean my clothes, take a real shower, and head back. I loved it.

Any time I smell a bonfire, it brings me back to opening and closing campfires, delicious s’mores, and clothes that smell slightly smoky all week. This past week it’s been a little rainy, so my wooden front door smells like the cabins in the woods would smell when we got stuck in the dining hall playing BINGO while it rained.

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the year my sister worked there too

These few things, plus a couple more, always tend to bring back camp memories. But on top of this, I’ve just been thinking about camp a lot recently. It was a huge part of me for a long time. Today’s TimeHop pictures really got to me…

This year, they decided to close the camp down for good. They sent out an invite for former campers, counselors, etc. to attend the last closing campfire and some festivities. I chose not to go. I regret it.

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one of eight cabins for campers

 

Why would I not go when I loved this place so much? I was afraid. My last summer there was a confusing one. There was a boy – well, really a man (8 years older) – who I feel really took advantage of me emotionally. So I didn’t want to see this person, I didn’t want CJ to feel awkward since he knows all about it…just so many reasons not to go. Yet every time I really think about it, I regret I kept myself from saying goodbye to such a wonderful place because of a guy. I know he was there – I’ve seen pictures from the event – and it burns my ass I let him keep me away. I am 28 years old, dammit. I shouldn’t have let something from over 8 years ago dictate my life. So now there’s one more thing to be mad at this person about. Thanks.

So, this is a goodbye to a place that taught me:

  • friends come in all shapes and sizes
  • I could survive a week (then later, months) without my parents
  • I could take really fast showers – when absolutely necessary
  • escapades after curfew were always the ones that were the most fun
  • walks on the beach in the moonlight are indescribable
  • I was incapable of winning Ugliest Counselor Contest  😛
  • Mailman is an extremely revealing game
  • camp couches are not meant for napping
  • some daily work assignments were definitely not as cool as others
  • I am a boondoggle MASTER
  • camp songs will forever be stuck in my memory
  • camp spirit is something you should always have
  • everyone loves a side-hug
  • Megadog did not taste as good as it sounds (and definitely did not deserve its own parade)
  • tie-dye t-shirts RULE
camp

SVC side-hugs 

Thank you to all my camp family. You will forever hold a special place in my heart. I wish I could have seen you one last time, but at least you will remain forever young, fun, and happy in my mind.

Camp SVC all the way! HOW HOW!

Forgettable/Forgivable

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Today, my heart is breaking.

For the past few weeks, ever since we received what we believed to be a wedding invitation, CJ has been in a bit of a funk. One of his brothers is getting married to his long-time, live-in girlfriend. Initially, CJ was a little miffed his brother had not asked him to be in the wedding party. (And I was miffed about the no children rule. Where am I supposed to scrounge up a babysitter for three children while in another state? Everyone I knew would be at the wedding…)

Anyway, CJ finally began feeling better after a conversation with his parents a few weeks later. Turns out it wasn’t actually a wedding invitation, it was a reception invite. They were going to be getting married earlier in the week (today, to be exact) and then the party on Saturday. He was a little sad his brother and soon to be sister-in-law were choosing not to share their nuptials, but he took solace in the fact he wasn’t be excluded from anything.

Well, this turned out not to be true. He was being excluded. And in a truly hurtful way. Last night, while talking to his parents about timing specifics to give our sitter, he discovered something awful. Today, while his brother gets married – parents, grandparents, siblings, nieces, and nephews will all be in attendance. And CJ wasn’t even invited. I understand that maybe they were thinking of the fact it would be hard for him to come in the middle of the week, blah, blah, blah…but the simple fact of the matter is they did not invite him AT ALL. To even give some semblance of pretending they wished he could be there for the event.

He was heartbroken. He doesn’t even want to go anymore. I have convinced him it is the right thing to do (plus, I don’t want to cancel the babysitter I worked so hard to get), but he is still finding ways to rebel. He refuses to shave. He knows his family, especially his mother, is not overly fond of his beard. He wants it loud and proud in any wedding photos – “If I’m even in any.” He wants to drive separately from his family so he can leave at his earliest convenience and not be beholden to anyone.

I truly understand how he feels. When my one and only sister got married in 2008, I was not invited. She has given me many excuses since then, but that’s really all they are. Excuses. And unfortunately, I have been bitter about it ever since. When CJ and I got married in 2010, my mother really fought with me over the inclusion of my sister in the wedding party – my retort being, “She’s lucky she was even invited.” Well, she was in the wedding party, but my best friend was my maid of honor. Since she had introduced CJ and I, she deserved that spot anyway. Sometimes the bitterness even gets turned up a few notches when my plans with my sister get blown off so she can hang out with her best friend – who was invited to her wedding.

I don’t know how to make CJ feel better. I try not to cry in front of him because I know he is upset enough. I cry for me, remembering how I felt and still feel. I cry for CJ, knowing exactly how he will feel today and the days after today. I cry for the relationship with his brother that will always be tainted by this because I know for a fact that it will be. There’s no coming back from this. The willful exclusion of a family member from a major life event is altering.

Never would I wish this feeling onto anyone. Seeing CJ suffer with it wounds me almost more than when it happened to me.

I hope he is able to move past it. I hope he is able to approach his brother  with more grace than I had with my sister. I hope he can forgive.

 

Bright Spot

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Do you ever have one of those days where you receive a compliment – be it small or insignificant – that is so nice it changes your outlook on the rest of your day? I got one of those today. It was completely unexpected, but had me smiling the whole way home this morning. Even with this being day three of Q being sick couldn’t tarnish my mood.

Why can’t every day be this way?

I feel that as we hit those awkward, bumbling years between 20 and 40, we stop taking the time to compliment each other. Well, guess what? This is when we need it most. No one knows what they’re doing; we’re all just trying our best. But the more we can reassure each other that we don’t suck as much as we think we do, the better off we’ll be.

If just these few words I heard this morning were enough to turn my day around, I can’t imagine what kind of outlook on life we would all have if we were surrounded by encouragement more often.

Mother’s Day

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Does anyone else just really not like holidays that are devoted to them? I pretty much despise my birthday (always have; it’s not about the age) and so far this year, Mother’s Day has been ruined. Bad news and unsolicited advice can do that for a girl.

Just let me have my day, okay? You can ruin whatever you want tomorrow.

Here’s to hoping the day can be salvaged. Maybe CJ can work some of his magic…

But, thank goodness for my babies. I’m blessed to be their mom.

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I promise, he only got the ball 🙂

Happy Mother’s Day to all the other moms out there! The work you do is important and so are you. Don’t ever let anyone convince you any different.