Ashley

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“Sorry, guys.”

A seemingly innocent sentence. But because of these words, I will remember a woman named Ashley forever. I knew her less than thirty minutes, but this woman changed my life.

CJ and I were expecting another baby, due in October, and we were over the moon about growing our family. MJ, being the only one who really understood, was ecstatic about another sibling.

Over the weekend, I experienced some spotting which in itself is not overly concerning, but I felt something was wrong. I thought it was mostly in my head considering a woman I know had gone through something similar quite recently.

CJ and my sister tried to keep me calm, maintaining everything was just fine. Even the doctor I saw this morning tried to convince me everything was fine. She tried to reassure me that although she couldn’t hear a heartbeat, she was positive she heard movement, so she sent me for an ultrasound just in case.

Enter poor, poor Ashley. I will always feel awful for her. The poor girl must have drawn the short straw to do my ultrasound today. The techs must have all know what was a possible outcome and I’m sure no one wanted me as a patient.

Well, Ashley found what we all hoped wouldn’t be true. There was no heartbeat. The only thing she could say was “sorry, guys” and then she made the quickest exit she possibly could.

As CJ and I waited for the specialist to talk us through our next steps, one of the things I couldn’t help but think was how awful I felt for Ashley. First, because who wants to have to deliver news like that ever, and second, because I will always remember her as the woman who told me my baby was dead and remember her for nothing else. And I feel sorry for that.

So today I joined one of the clubs no one ever thinks they will be a part of until they are. I am a woman who has lost a child through miscarriage.

No matter how many times I think that sentence or read it written here, it just doesn’t seem real. I don’t know if it ever will.

Hats Heal Hearts

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The past month and one half have been pretty rough around here. While we are experiencing some of our own problems, it seems like others want to make their drama ours as well. I fear I am getting to that place where I once again am willing to admit I am too old for something. And I am far too old for the amount of drama that I have been surrounded by lately. I am tired of feeling used and being taking advantage of.

So even though I planned on doing this blog today to talk about all these things, this post unexpectedly became a lot brighter after I checked the mail.

A while ago, I wrote a letter to my best friend in an attempt to make her feel just a little better after a loss. Today, I noticed a package in the mail and assumed the cousin who is staying with us ordered something. Again. But for once, it was for me! Not only did my girlfriend return the letter, she also sent me one of her amazing hats she has been crocheting.

So here I sit, with a toasty warm head, in a much better place than I have been in in months. Her handwriting is still the same. Her spelling is still horrible. And just like always, she’s able to make me feel loved.

I miss her so much sometimes that it physically hurts, but times like these, just knowing that we are still there for each other no matter what, make me think I can do anything. Especially with this awesome hat on.  🙂

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Messy bun hat!!

 

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As a kid, you hope that you will be the cool adult. You know the one I mean. The one with the house everyone wants to hang out at.

As an adult, you realize this actually isn’t something to aspire to. Why? Because a moment will occur where you notice you have forgotten what day of the week it is and you must rage-clean your house in order to have it ready in time for the horde of people you must soon entertain.

I don’t think CJ was at all happy with me when I had this moment yesterday. He was home, so I made him help. I wanted as much as possible done so I could just have some downtime today before I went in to work, came home late, and had guests over early in the morning.

Tomorrow will be a crazy day. There will be at least 12 people in my house, and that’s not counting any strays who may show up. Then I must feed and clean up after all those people before heading to a New Year’s Eve party at a girlfriend’s house. That I’m looking forward to because I will be able to just enjoy – without worrying about hostess or clean up duties.

Hope everyone has a safe and festive New Year’s. Have fun!

A Broken Jingle Bell

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For the past few years, I have had a very hard time getting into the holiday spirit. This year, I didn’t really at all. The only Christmas songs I listened to were when CJ turned on a Christmas playlist for the kids. I avoided it in the car. I avoided it if I was home alone with the kids. It just feels so broken and disjointed. I feel like the family of the little boy in The Polar Express who can’t hear his bell from Santa’s sleigh ring. I’ve lost the spirit.

I stress over gifts I can’t afford, but feel obligated to buy. I dread the multiple family gatherings. What ever happened to everyone coming to celebrate together? I mean, I could celebrate Christmas any random day in December and my kids would never know the difference because there are still two more Christmases for them to celebrate this season. This is part of the reason it doesn’t really mean anything to me anymore. Christmas is not about gifts. It is about family. And I miss them. I know they always come to celebrate with us, but it’s just not the same when it is a week or two after.

There was one, brief moment on Christmas Day – before church and before I had to go to work – that made me remember that child-like wonder of the season. Q was the first up, was is not normal, so I said I would wake up MJ. I jumped on his bed and said, “Santa was here.” His eyes got real big and he pushed me out of his way to lunge out of bed. His bare little feet slapped against the floor in the hallway until he arrived in the living room. I then watched him drop to his knees in front of the Christmas tree, raise his hands in awe, and whisper “Santa.” It was a beautiful moment and the only time I really felt the spirit. I can’t wait until the girls are a little older and able to enjoy Santa as well. I have hope that their belief will restore mine.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and I wish you a Happy New Year.

That WAS My Jam

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Driving back and forth to pick MJ up from school gives the girls and I a lot of time to listen to the radio. As of late, as most of the radio stations have switched to Christmas music all the time. I haven’t been in the Christmas mood at all this year, so I have been avoiding those stations. That only leaves two stations that come in decently for the whole hour trip. As it tends to go, these stations play the same handful of songs over and OVER.

Since the van has an AUX cable, I decided to bring my iPod along yesterday. Normally, I listen to a specific playlist – like for the soundtrack for the current piece I’m working on. Yesterday, I decided to Shuffle All.

It was like a blast from the past almost. There were songs from high school basketball warm-ups, prom theme songs, and songs my one girlfriend and I used to sing at karaoke. Those karaoke songs made me think of all the fun times we used to have at the campground her mom used to work at. We would mini-golf in the summer and do a terrible job cross-country skiing in the winter. In fact, I’m pretty sure we (or maybe it was just me) broke at least one part of ski boots in the process.

One of things I remember best about these times is when she would call me to say a boy scout troop was at the campground and her mom needed “help.” I would find a way to get myself there and we would gossip and goof around all night and then cook and serve breakfast in the morning. Could her mother have done this herself? Of course. But what teenage girl would have passed up these opportunities? Goodness, I miss that girl.

On a lighter note – yesterday, I had an author interview I gave published. I am really excited about this step in my professional writing career. Read it here!

Until next time.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Seat Them

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So, I had a post planned for over Thanksgiving weekend, but I did not have access to a wifi signal. That’s right. Even though we were at my in-laws, I didn’t have access the internet to do some posting. This has been my first opportunity between getting everything settled back in and home and back into the swing of school.

I was planning on writing a post about the movie I went to see with one of my girlfriends. It was two weeks ago now. We went to see an advanced screening of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. We were really excited when talking about purchasing tickets because we had been to a few midnight showings of Harry Potter films and we thought it would be fun to continue the tradition. When I went to purchase tickets for 12:01 am Friday morning, I saw that the theater we were going to was having advanced screenings on Thursday night at 8pm and 10pm. I called her up and asked if she were interested in either of those times instead. She quickly jumped at the chance to see it at 8pm, as I knew she would since I was also excited to see it at a time that would still put us to bed at a decent hour. At some point, we became old people who can’t function on less than six hours of sleep. Darn kids 🙂

The movie was just as amazing as I was expecting it to be. There was an odd thing about this experience though. The seating. First of all, I was pumped that the seats now reclined and had foot rests. I mean, all the comforts of home with a bigger and better screen and sound system. The crazy thing was that apparently this theater now assigns seats. I never in a million years would have thought to check my movie theater tickets for seat assignments. We didn’t even realize until a group of youngins approached and disdainfully told us we were in their seats. Since when do they tell you where you have to sit when you go to the movies? All I can say is I’m glad we didn’t end up stuck in the front row, craning our necks for two hours.

I guess from now on, I will always purchase my tickets in advance and pay attention to my seating assignment.

Zelda Symphony

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Friday night, was the first Friday in about one year that I didn’t have to work. One of my girlfriends at work switched shifts with me so I could attend a concert with my cousin. Our local philharmonic orchestra was playing a Symphony of the Goddesses and he’s a big lover of the Zelda games. He didn’t want to go alone, and he knows I like the symphony, so he asked me to go with him. I don’t know much about Zelda, but I was excited none the less.

Obviously, the music itself was fantastic, but I don’t know if I will ever attend a concert like this again. There was a large screen above the orchestra that showed gameplay and different scenes from the games as the score was played. I found it incredibly distracting. One of the things I love about going to the symphony is being able to lose yourself in the music. Even if I tried to not focus on the screen, my eyes kept being pulled back to it. I felt it changed the whole experience drastically.

From now on, I guess it will be necessary to check if this feature is going to be used before purchasing any tickets.

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This past month has been bananas.

First and foremost, I want to say that I think full-time working moms are superheroes. The week after Q peed on my glasses, I continued with a full work week covering more vacations. At the end of that second week, I was ridiculously behind on laundry and housework. Then, I ended up with strep throat and got even more behind. The moms who can do all these things and not end up behind are superstars. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so exhausted in my life.

Since CJ has left his full-time job and is trying to break into his freelance career (chrisbatdorf.com), this week has been busy as well. Until he gets up a steady stream of clients, I’ve been accepting all offers to fill in at work, covering call-ins and whatnot.

Besides still trying to catch up at home, it really just hasn’t been my week at work. Wednesday night was the culmination of my recent bout of luck. I had forgotten my dinner at home, so CJ had to pack up the kids and bring me some. He made me an amazing looking salad with grilled chicken. Once I got the chance to, I added the dressing, put the lid back on and began to shake it. It promptly exploded all over my lap, my desk, and the floor. The nurse working with me and the security officer who saw, both panicked. The nurse began running in little circles asking what he could do. The security officer immediately yelled, “wet paper towels” and ran off for the bathroom to get some. They both awkwardly watched me clean myself and my area, unsure whether they could help or not.

Once all was cleaned, and I was as clean as salad dressing would allow on black scrubs, the volunteer came up to the desk and made a comment about how the area now smelled like Caesar. At that point, the nurse and guard totally lost. I’m honestly surprised it took them as long as it did before they started laughing.

A laugh was a great way to end the week, though. And I’m glad for once that I don’t have to work the weekend. I can’t wait to spend some much needed time with my babies. And my washing machine.  🙂

Naughty Babies

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This week has been rough. People at work have been on vacation, so instead of working only three nights per week, I worked six. The babies have noticed and are acting accordingly. This makes me super excited that it is happening again this week as well, as I have learned that the kids are being a little naughty regarding the loss of “mommy time.”

For the most part, we’ve just been experiencing some listening issues, but in the case of Q, she’s being a little vindictive. At one point during this blur of a week, I disciplined her for something – I don’t even remember what. A few minutes later, she told me she had to go potty. Even though she’s two, she’s completely able to take herself to the bathroom without supervision. Since she was taking too long on this occasion, I went in to check on her. As soon as she saw me, she said “Hi, Mommy” and then pulled something out from underneath her. She had peed on my glasses. She took them off the counter, held them underneath her, and peed on them. Then held them out to me like she was proud. Even after I cleaned them, I still had a hard time putting them on my face.

I have a feeling I’m really going to have my hands full with her by the time she’s a teenager. Heck, even when she’s a threenager.

 

Cumberland Falls

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I never thought I would ever reach the point in my life where I started admitting that I was too old for things, but alas, that time has come. On vacation, I spent a week sleeping on a pull-out couch with CJ and paid for it. I am officially too old to sleep in a cruddy bed.

My parents wanted to revisit the place they went to for their honeymoon and decided to take the whole family. There was 12 of us in all. It was crazy and chaotic and fun. My babies don’t see their grandparents very often, so they absolutely loved spending time with them.

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EM and my dad on a train ride

One of the days, my parents took the six grandkids so my sister, her husband, CJ, and I could go whitewater rafting. I was terrified. I’m not so good in water as I’m not the strongest swimmer. They had arranged for us to go on  guided tour of the Cumberland River with the Sheltowee Trace Adventure Resort. The guide was able to put me at ease when she tackled me out of our boat at the first swimming hole. I know that some people might think that sounds awful or crazy, but thanks to her, I was able to relax and enjoy the rest of the tour. Well, relax as much as I could while praying I didn’t get tipped out of the boat into any rapids. It was unbelievably fun and also led me to facing a fear. One of the stops along the trip was at a cliff to climb and jump off of. I wasn’t sure if I would really do it, even when standing at the top as I don’t like heights at all. CJ had already jumped and was supposed to wait at the bottom for me, but he was so jazzed about jumping, he was already out of the water and climbing up to go again when I jumped. I earned lots of hugs from CJ and my sister because they honestly didn’t think I would do it. But I did 🙂

Last but not least, the day before we left we decided to go for a hike. We didn’t realize that the signs posted at the beginning of the path gave the difficulty of the trail. We really should have read it before we started. Turns out the trail was labeled “strenuous” and we had all six kids with us. It was exhausting and terrifying. The trail ended at a waterfall with a swimming hole which was gorgeous, but would have been more fun if you didn’t have to think about the walk back.

img_3012Overall, it was a nice vacation and I just wish I had taken more pictures.