Author Archives: amberbatdorf

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I just finished rewatching A Little Bit of Heaven. I remember being sad the first time I watched it, but this time I cried like a baby. I think it was because of the recent deaths in my family. So why I chose to watch this movie now, I don’t know.

I feel awful that I didn’t get to go to my aunt’s funeral. (This is the aunt EM was named after.) I know she would have understood as she lived a few states away, but I still wish I could have said goodbye. Well, I more wish see would have been able to meet her namesake, but everyone thought she had more time. –this was difficult to put in the past tense.

I also feel horrible about the viewing I attended for my grandfather. I was uncomfortable and spent the whole time chatting with my mother and a cousin. I feel like a terrible person for being so uncomfortable, but since he had left my grandmother many years before I was born, I didn’t know any of his friends who were there; I barely knew him.

As I watched the end of this movie, I thought, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if that were true? That we get to witness our funeral and watch our loved ones say goodbye.” But then I thought how horrible a thing this would be for some people. I don’t want to think my grandfather saw me standing in a corner, awkwardly avoiding the front of the room where he was. Everyone deserves to be properly mourned and I don’t really think I lived up to that. And besides barely knowing him, I’ve never really been to anything like that before.

‘Knock on wood,’ I have never really lost anyone in my life. Up until he passed, I had all my grandparents, all my aunts and uncles, and even great-aunt and uncles. I am petrified that when someone passes that I knew better, I won’t be able to handle it. Having no real experience dealing with death and loss at the age of 27, I don’t know if I will be able to hold myself together.

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Last week while I was grocery shopping, I passed an old friend in the aisle. There is no way she could have missed me, but she ignored me completely. CJ and I talked it over and there are a few things we feel could have happened.

The first, and least likely in my opinion, is that she really just didn’t see me. The second, and my feeling, is that she is still not over the unfortunate events that took place between her and my brother-in-law. Their failed attempt at a relationship had nothing to do with me, but as my brother-in-law left me to do the “breaking up” as it were, my relationship with her suffered. The third, and CJ’s idea, is that even though I have tried to keep her in my life – inviting her to girls’ nights, birthday parties, etc. – it was just too hard for her to watch me get married and start a family.

I remember her mother made a comment one evening while we were hanging out; shortly before CJ and I got married. She told her daughter to enjoy the last few opportunities to hang out since we wouldn’t be friends anymore after my marriage. So a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts? But not for lack of trying on my part.

I have one best friend, besides CJ of course, who lives in Missouri. I have one sister who prefers her friends who party (and I do mean PARTY), since I don’t. So a situation like this is actually heartbreaking. I know losing a friend is always sad, but when you don’t have many to begin with…

Later in August, I have a meeting set up with a girl from high school. We haven’t really hung out since then, but we did invite each other to our weddings. Why did we set up a meeting now? She just had her first child. He’s a few weeks older than EM. I’m assuming she wants some “mommy friends” for advice, play dates, etc. I’m looking forward to this meeting because I’ve always wanted a “mommy friend” who lives relatively closer than my girlfriend in Missouri. I’ve learned to not get my hopes up though. So we’ll see. Even if it doesn’t go well, at least I know she isn’t immature enough to ignore me if she saw me at the grocery store.

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It has been a rough few weeks for me. First, I lost my paternal grandfather, then a maternal aunt – the one EM is named after. I know they say death comes in threes, but can we just stop at two for now. Two in just a few weeks is enough.

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Those of us who have been on maternity leave (or if staying home – right after the baby is born) know how difficult it is to get practically anything accomplished since the baby demands to be fed every few minutes; or so it feels.

During this time, I became grateful for our Netflix subscription.

After MJ’s birth, I rediscovered my love of “Charmed.” After Q’s birth, I tried out “The Vampire Diaries” and am still a fan, although I am not sure how the whole “no Elena” thing is going to work out. After EM’s birth, I turned to the recommendations of Netflix and discovered two more CW shows that I loved. Only after I became really interested in each one did I find neither of them had survived their first season.

I wish the CW had given these shows more of a chance. I liked them more than some of the current shows they are airing. I really enjoyed the concepts behind “Star-Crossed” and “The Tomorrow People.” I feel if they had been given more time to develop, they would have been great.

“Bitch Wrist”

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cory

Last Thursday, for #tbt, my cousin posted this picture. Why am I stealing it this week? Because it lead to the creation of an amazing phrase. Thanks CJ!

When my cousin originally posted this photo, she had tagged herself (the one with the crazy hair) and my sister. I also recognized the hand as my sister and thought it hilarious my cousin could tell who it was just by the bronzed arm holding her face. I commented to that point and everyone in my family got a good laugh over how we all recognized my sister. Maybe it was because we have all know her for so long, or maybe because she is the only one of us who ever gets so tan.

Anyway, since I found this whole situation to be funny, I brought it up to CJ. Then he admitted to me that he too had known the hand belonged to my sister before realizing she had been tagged in the photo. When I questioned how he recognized her, he told me it was because my sister had “bitch wrist.”

I could not help myself. I immediately got my sister on the phone to inform her about her bitch wrist. She was laughing when she asked CJ to explain what he meant. His explanation – “Well, you know. A wrist with attitude.”

My sister and I both laughed hysterically about the fact that she apparently exudes so much attitude it can even be noticed in pictures of her wrist. She had better be keeping that “bitch wrist” in control.

YCN #8

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At my baby shower, I received a few things that I never thought would be my saving graces, but they became so. I should have had faith in the women who gave the first two gifts, as they were already mothers themselves and knew what they were talking about. As for the third gift, I still say my husband just got lucky.

Most useful gift #1: Cloth diapers

My grandmother bought me a few packages of cloth diapers for the new baby. They were not for what I thought, however. Today, burp clothes are thin and flimsy. Grandma bought the cloth diapers to be used as burp clothes. They are thick, super absorbent, and cover a lot of real estate. What is the point of a burp cloth that is none of those things? I felt the cloth diapers were a god-send and we still use them as burp clothes, napkins for bigger, toddler-sized messes, etc. Thank you, Grandma. You are so smart!

Most useful gift #2: Nightlight

My aunt gave me a nightlight for my first baby, but it was so much more than that. It also plays music. On those nights when I was tired and beyond singing to soothe the baby, I did not have to sing or hum to him. The nightlight did it for me. He absolutely loves it. When my parents come to stay with us, they even say they would not be able to fall asleep without hearing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Also, just the nightlight itself makes checking on the baby before bed easy. I can go in and cover him back up without disturbing him by turning on the overhead light or using the light from my phone.

Most useful gift #3: Fleece blanket

Not all blankets are created equal. I assumed that as long as the baby was covered and warm, any blanket would do. This is not the case. I have found that all babies will have their favorite, whether it be silk line, soft on one side, knitted by grandma…
My husband is a great Batman fan and found a fleece Dark Knight blanket and bought it for our son. The boy will not sleep without being wrapped in it; he must just love the feel of the fleece against his skin. Bedtime, nap time, Mommy always has to know where the blanket is.

Observation

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No matter your own personal opinion on the matter, society seems preoccupied with the use of contraceptives.

After EM was born, my nurse asked about my birth control plan. When I called to make my six week appointment, the secretary asked what type of birth control I wished to discuss with my doctor so she could make a note in my chart. When I got to my appointment, the nurse who did my vitals asked me again about my birth control choice, giving her own opinions on the matter. When I told all these women that I would not be choosing a birth control method – as I have never had one and what CJ and I do seems to work out fine – I was informed I had to be on some form of contraception and to just talk to my doctor about it.

Thankfully, my doctor was the only one who did not push me. She said the choice was my own and no one could force me to be on something I was not interested in. Since she seemed so open-minded about it, I made sure she was aware of the pressures her staff had been putting on me. I mean, one nurse had even gone so far as to tell me that if I refused birth control, my husband HAD to get a vasectomy. I was so blown away by this. Honestly, my choices are none of her business; and then to assume she could tell me what my husband HAD to do. Ha.

I have my own reasons for not using hormonal contraceptives just as other women have their own reasons for using them. I just feel that something should not be forced on others (especially by figures in authority) simply because it has come to be viewed as a societal norm.

Observation

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When I was younger (but hey – 27 is not that old, right?) it used to take me forever to get ready. I did not matter where I was going; school, a date, even church. Then I would practically fall into bed at night. Now, it takes me less than 15 minutes to get ready in the morning but it takes forever to get ready for bed. There are facial cleansers, lotions, moisturizers, etc.

I would almost rather go back to the way things were. It is often frustrating, after having decided it is time for bed, to remember all the things I have to do before I can get there. Not to mention, stopping back out at the computer to type out random musings. 🙂

Weekends with the ‘Rents

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This past weekend, my parents came for a visit to “see the new baby” and go to my nieces’ dance recital. Why is that in quotes? Because this is not really what happened. And I am not surprised in the least.

When my parents decided to move out of state, they promised to visit often since all of their children and grandchildren are here. They were supposed to rotate between staying with my sister or me each time they were here. This only happened a few times before they began staying with my aunt instead. My aunt had cried about not “getting her turn,” but ever since the first time they stayed with her, they have stayed there ever since. Makes me really happy CJ and I spent money we did not have on a bed for them.

I understand my mother feels like she has to see her parents, my dad’s mom, her brothers and sisters, and all her nieces and nephews while she is here, but at the same time, I do not really understand it. She is supposed to be seeing her own children; making her grandchildren feel special. Over an extended weekend, my children got only 45 minutes of uninterrupted attention and an hour of shared attention out at dinner. Did I really mind being taking out to dinner? Not really, but it would have been nicer if it had just been us.

I do not know if she is consciously trying to buy our affections or not, but it really seems like it. She brings gifts every time, pays for dinner, etc. I do not care about any of that. I would much prefer she bring nothing and just spend the time with us that we are promised.

My sister and I have both said something and it seems to go in one ear and out the other. There are too many people vying for her attention and she aims to please. I just wish we rated a little higher on the list.